Saturday, September 11, 2010

Theorgy Tease 001

If I invite a boy some night
To dine on my fine Finnan Haddie
I just adore, his asking for more
But my heart belongs to Daddy

Or you could say: belonged.

Those who are viciously in love right now can snuck away their posts as the October edition of theorgy will not be about that.

But this:



As you chew/cringe/chastise on this, please await more details.


And forget it's Beyonce. Please.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

LABASAN NA! (updated at 11:45 PM, September 5)

They all came for theorgy.

All fifty of them

coming

one

after

the other.

The Third Groupies

Baklang AJ.
Carrie.
Jay.
Mr. Hush Hush.
Robert, the not so typical gay.
Soltero.
Toffer.

The Second Groupies

Adam.
J.
PJ.

The First Groupies

Bobby Barbecho.
Boss Becky.
Buquir.
Cursedgoodblessing at 27.
Dean.
Echoserita.
Ex Jason.
Fickle Cattle.
Jaytee.
Justin.
Lee.
Mandaya Moore.
Manila Raunch.
Mel Beckham.
Melanie.
Nimmy.
Red The Mod.
Richie.
Takeshi.
Thomasian Psychologist.
Von Draye.




Isang round pa nga....



oh and yes, you can click on the names of the 48 bloggers here so you can go straight to their posts here at theorgy.

and so they say.. Birds of the same feather flock together (My Coming OUT Story) by Mr. Hush Hush

by Mr. Hush Hush


This post may be a bit late, but still I want to contribute my coming OUT story (Theorg-y's collective blogging event).


I was a hermit when I was a kid. I literally spend my days waking up, going to school, go back home, doing homework and sleep. My mama was afraid to let me loose around our neighborhood, thinking I might be influenced by bad people (drinking, smoking and drugs), which I later learned I was thankful for as I never developed these vices in me. The best way I spent my free time was reading books, and guess what I was reading?? hehehehe Sweet Valley Twins (bongga!) hahahaha I got hold of a book by Francine Pascal and from that day forward, I loved how 2 identical sisters, though physical similar, were ultra-different on the outside.. and lo-and-behold, I can relate to Lily, the spoiled rich brat and best friend of Jessica (Elizabeth was too good for me then). I then learned to love the color purple, the color of royalty, and unicorn was officially my favorite animal and club! hahahahaaha Eventually, I evolved from Twins, to Sweet Valley High and then to SV University and believe me, I was saving up from my allowance to buy the latest edition of these books, all neatly arranged in my bookshelf, with plastic covers (done by my Mama, I didn't know how to then).

I recall when we we were in grade 4, me and my bestfriend transformed our pencil cases into mini-houses, rooms with sofas, tvs, people made out of paper. While everyone was playing ball out in the sun, we were contented with our own world inside the classroom, didn't want to be exposed under the heat of the sun. Even one of our barkadas had with him a facial wash, pond's I think (take note that circa 1992, facial wash were associated with females, there were no Nivea for men back then as an excuse to be vain), and he religiously goes to the bathroom to wash him pimply face, to avoid it becoming 'oily'. hahahaha kulang nalang magpayong kami, but of course, we were afraid of the prejudices that might be thrown our way, even if we wanted to! hahahaha

We were enrolled in an exclusive school (meaning, all boys!) and I guess by the time we got to secondary education, most of our batchmates knew we were a little bit different, we had our tender ways, so to speak.. and this led me to worry that my little brother (who was enrolled at the same school) might give me away to my parents. I was terrified with the idea that I might be disowned, disinherited ng mana (again yabang lang!). So I decided to talk to my brother. This transpired at our room:

Me: Bro, can I talk to you?

Bro: bout what, kuya?

Me: Well, you know, I've been meaning to tell you something.. You know G**, right?

Bro: Yup he's the cousin of my classmate why?


Me: Hmmm... Well I hang out with him and with O*#@* (and I named a few of my barkadas).. well.. I just want to tell you *gulp*... that I'm gay..

Bro: I know.

Me: (a bit shocked - I really thought I was masking myself well around my family) How'd you know?

Bro: imo barkada mga bayot bya..

Me: Are you mad?

Bro: No, I understand. It's the life you choose... Just don't talk to me about your boyfriends! hahahaahaha

Needless to say, I was relieved! It felt good that somehow I opened up to my little bro. Up to this day, I'm thankful that he has accepted me as I am and this made us closer (you can only imagine our 'wars' at home before). Now, I'm even appreciative that he seeks my opinion on the girl he's currently dating..

But I'm not yet ready to open up to my parents.. really. Even now that I am successful in life and probably can manage on my own, I still can't and maybe won't. I'm afraid that my Mama will have a cardiac arrest if she knows, and I just can't bear that thought.. hay. such drama.. maybe.. maybe someday.. but at the back of my mind, she probably knows. Maybe if she'll ask.. but really, I don't know.. I'll cross the bridge when I get there.

Well, honey's bugging me already to finish this off.. Bonding time na daw. hihihihi

Hush hush for now, hushkins *

Saturday, September 4, 2010

napaaga ang pag-amin ni toffer

ni toffer

lumaki ako na wala ang nanay ko sa tabi ko, she worked as a nurse abroad. every year 1 month ko lang syang nakakasama for her vacation break. kadalasan din na wala si papa dahil busy sya sa pag-eenjoy with his barkada kaya yung yaya ko lang yung nakakasama ko.

lumaki akong sweet and thoughtful sa mga taong nasa paligid ko. malamya kumilos, vain at very talkative sa klase.

nung nasa 4th yr college na ako, nagretire na si mama.

since then, hindi kami laging magkasundo, lagi kaming nag-aaway. di ko sya masisisi, at di ko rin pwedeng sisihin ang sarili ko.

alam kong lumaki ako na wala sya dahil din sa amin. para di ako maghirap pag laki ko. para makapag-aral ako sa mga bonggang schools, magkaroon ako ng mga gadgets, at lahat din ng luho ko.

wala kami nung sinasabing strong foundation, nung bond.

masasabi kong hindi kaila sa kanila na hindi ako straight.

ngunit tulad ng iba, hindi din namin pinag-uusapan yun.
***

nalaman ko after graduation na hindi nila ako tunay na anak.

opo, adopted ako. at dun ko din nalaman na ang tunay kong papa eh yung kapatid nung papa ko na nagpalaki saken.

okay na sana yun kaso dala ng menopausal ni mama, araw araw na talaga kami kung mag bangayan.
***

1st yr college ako nung nagsimula akong magrebelde.

naadik ako sa sigarilyo, every after dismissal eh diretso ako sa tambayan at iinom. pag-uwi ko sa bahay, tulog agad. at totoo yung sinasabi sa kanta na ''pag gising sa umaga sermon ang almusal'', yun yung kadalasang mangyari saken.

dumating sa puntong hindi na ako pumapasok sa mga classes ko.

kaya super sumbong yung mga prof at mga c.i. ko ke mama. si mama kasi yung clinical coordinator sa pinapasukan kong college kaya hindi maiiwasang hindi niya malaman yung mga katarantaduhan ko.

pinatawag ako ni mama sa secretary niya.
***

pagpasok sa office,

mama: gago ka!!! bat hindi ka pumapasok sabi nung prof mo?!

ako: (silent mode) para na akong iiyak pero pinipigilan ko, galit ako kay mama nun. alam niya yun. wala akong rason kung bakit ako nagrerebelde at napapabarkada. wala talaga.

mama: oh? ba't hindi ka nagsasalita?

ako: di mo maiintindihan! (kinabog ko mga telenovela nito) sabay tulo ng luha sa right eye.

mama: pano ko maiintindihan kung di ka magsasabi?

ako: BAKLA AKO!!!dun na ako humikbi ng husto..nakita ko kasi syang umiiyak. (wala na akong maisip na idahilan kaya sinabi ko nalang na problema ko yung pagiging bakla ko)

mama: MATAGAL KO NG ALAM, BATA KA PA LANG ALAM KO NA!

ako: super hikbi talaga ako at super iyak din si mama. dun ko narealize na mahal talaga ako ng nanay ko kahit di ko sya kadugo.

mama: OH ANO?AYAW MO NG MAG NURSE? ITATAYO NA LANG KITA NG PARLOR?

ako: iyak habang tumatawa...
***

NALAMAN KO NA NA OKAY NA NUNG..

sa sasakyan pauwi,

PAPA: oh?wala nang problema si biboy?

MAMA: wala na...

AKO: (NAKALUSOT NA AKO SA PAG AABSENT, NAKALUSOT PA AKO SA BAKLA ISSUE!!!) YES!!! SMILE AKO NG SMILE....

PAPA: good boy na sya?

MAMA: GOOD GIRL...:))
*****

ma, hindi man tayo ayos ngayon, nagpapasalamat pa rin ako sa mga pagkakataong pinakita mo sakin na hindi dugo ang batayan ng pagiging mag-ina...

''you may not be my mother by blood, but you used to be my mother by blood''....

i'm sorry and i love you, sana magkaayos na tayo....
*******

sa pag amin ko, naging mas malaya ako

hindi lang sa mga magulang ko, sa mga tao sa paligid ko
pati narin sa sarili ko
****

at dahil sa pag-amin ko

kaya ko nang iharap sa madlang people ang baby ko
 
kitty kat daw sya..

No way, Not yet. Yes! by Jay The Gardener

by Jay

(They say its better late than never. Haha. This is my contribution to the Theorgy blog which is about the topic "Coming Out")


OUT?

If I were asked that question, I would have answered it differently on different occasions:

-No way!-

"Baka bakla ka ha?" was what he teasingly said.

"Ulol, no way pj!" was my stern reply.

PJ was my bestfriend in high school. Ours was a weird kind of friendship because we started out as mortal enemies but ended as best of friends. During high school, I was the king of our block during then, in fact, if there were somebody new in the neighborhood, he/she would have to befriend me before he can get into the circle. He was the new guy who came when we were in junior high. At first I really thought that he was "mahangin" (but later found out that I just hated the fact that I was not the first one that he talked to). He was a instant hit with everybody (except me) because he was super cute, knows how to dance and very very charismatic with girls.

Since I thought that he was a threat, I ordered my friends not to befriend him (parang young mafia) to the point of plotting to beat him up. I only changed my plans when one time he suddenly came up to me and asked if we could go home together. From that day on, we grew a lot more closer to each other. We shared stories, we shared laughters and we shared secrets. And yes, we even shared "ejaculation" sessions together. After a month, we grew very close that he would sometimes sleep over at my place and he was already an accepted part of my family.

Since PJ came from a broken family, he was an easy prey. He was a lonely sheep while I was the willing shepherd, he was a lost soul and I was the light at the end of the tunnel., he was often sad and I was his shoulder to cry on. During his sleep-over, nobody in the house knew that we would hug each other tightly and would sleep in each others arms in the dark. He like me to comb his hair with my hands while he goes to sleep and I would like him to softly scratch my back in return. We would do all these things yet nobody wants to talk about it. For him, it was just showing how much we care for each other but for me, it was already my show of love and affection.

One time, I tried to crossed the line. When we were tickling each other, I suddenly pressed my face into his, our lips slightly touching each other. I was surprised i did it but he was even more surprised that something like it happened. In the middle of the night there was silence, the he spoke up:

"Hahaha. Oi kiniss mo ako ha. Yucks! Baka bakla ka ha. Sabihin mo na. Hahaha"

It was my time to be silent. I was deeply contemplating on what to say. Shall I tell him but lose him in return or just keep quiet and regret never to have told him what I feel. My heart was beating very fast at that time. Then I decided...

"Haha. Ulol PJ! No way pare! "

I guess it was the easiest way out.

- Not Yet! -

"When are you ready to do this?" He asked me looking deep into my eyes.

"I don't know" I answered and looked away from him.

We met online on the PlanetRomeo site. My account was direct to the point on who I want to meet and what are the things that I don't like...the things that caught his attention while browsing through hundreds of online users. He is AM and around five years younger than me. At first really thought that we would not hit it off because of the age difference plus the status. I was working as a manager then and he was still a student. Since I never had any outlet from work, I indulge myself in texting with friends (and flirts) from chatrooms and social networking sites. At first he was no exception, I would answer his casual "good mornings" and " how are you's". But after a month, he was the only one remaining among dozens of guys. That is when I decided to focus more on him.

We did not meet or even asked a picture of each other, again, this is one of the many things that my adventurous mind breeds. I told him that i want to know the person rather than the face. And he agreed. We wont on to be exclusive for two months and in those two months I admit that I have grown closer to him. He was the first guy whom I really professed my love. Because of this he was my very first boyfriend.

On the third month we met and to our surprise, we have even grown closer when we met. We were very pleased with the way we look. This was indeed the relationship that I really wanted. Smooth sailing, both parties are in love and of course...it was with another man. We have shared a lot with each other. From aspirations, problems and plans for the future. I was very very in love. But like every relationship, it has its ups and downs. The usual cause of our fights would be his giving so much effort of keeping our relationship private to the point of being so insensitive. It has never been my plan to tell the world that we have a relationship much more be so close to him in public. I am also not that kind of guy. In fact I am discreet...very very discreet. But I am sensitive enough to make sure that I balance things.

One time we had a huge fight because he was mad at me for making a simple comment at his Facebook account. The comment was nothing but "haha. you're funny" but he was paranoid and started saying things to me. This fight went on for days because he would not hear my side. This time, I was also getting tired of it all. We met and decided to talk things over hoping to patch things up. In the middle of our convesation, he asked.

"Okay, if you really want to announce to the whole world that we are an item, I am game! When are you ready to do this?" he asked me looking deep into my eyes. I did not see sincerity but rather mockery.

"I don't know. Not yet" I replied looking away from him.

I answered "Not yet" not because I am not ready but because I realized that he was not worth it...not worth of me going out!

The next day we broke sadly up.

"Yes!"

I really do not think that the time would come that I will say this word if I would be asked if I am ready to go out. Not until...

I will no longer be afraid to hurt my parents, friends and family.

I will be ready to face the mockery of the people around me.

And I can find the real person worthy of the decision.

That I can really say,

Yes! I am gay and I am proud of it!"

My Coming Out Story by The Not So Typical Gay Robert

by Robert, the not so typical gay
I guess I’m not the first one to do this but I believe it’s my time to share my own story, my own “coming out” story. I’m actually at work right now doing this because in the past few days, my boss might’ve forgotten to give me and my teammates directives. I fear disturbing her because she seems too busy to be bugged. Well anyway, let’s start the story.

Like other gay guys, I am not totally out of the closet. My friends, especially the close and the closest guys are the only ones who know about it. They even told me that they already knew about my orientation long before I outed myself to them. Some of my workmates don’t even know about me being gay not until I burst out and say “uy, may pogi oh!” in between meals. My family is mum about it but I’m pretty sure they already know. Perhaps it’s just something that needs not to be discussed anymore, something that would already be there “by default”.

I was in first year college then when I started feeling curious about the way I feel. Yes, when I was in High School, I used to hook up with girls and most of them even find me very gentleman-ish, very different from the kind of boys we had in our school. One day I went to this internet café (I still couldn’t afford to have my own PC) to check my friendster account. I checked the list of the people who recently viewed me then I noticed this guy I’m not familiar with. I still couldn’t tell if he’s pogi or not because I still didn’t have that kind of radar before. Kumbaga, choppy pa ang signal ng aking gaydar. I tried to open his profile and I saw this banner. It was G4M’s banner. Salarin talaga tong G4M na toh. Since I already had this feeling of being curious about the way I feel towards the same sex, out of curiosity, I enlisted myself in the said social networking site for gay guys. Only then I realized I wasn’t alone. There are a lot of other guys there who would want to be with another guy. All along I thought I was alone, that my feelings weren’t normal. At times I’d even think perhaps what I was feeling is something a normal guy would go through in this certain stage of life. After registering, I didn’t know how to navigate the website that much yet although it wasn’t really hard to learn to do so. Then I started posting pictures of me (when I still payat and gusgusin back then) and I continued checking out the site. After refreshing the page, I was surprised by this alert I got . Then I realized somebody sent me a message.

“Atenista?” the message wrote.
“How did you know?” I surprisingly replied. I thought he knew me by face.
“Uniform mo. By the way, I’m ****”

Ambobo ko talaga. I forgot I was wearing my uniform in that profile picture I posted. So I opened his profile and checked his pictures. I found him good-looking because he look a lot like that guy who always passes by our classroom in one of our classes. We got to knowing each other then we exchanged digits and started communicating frequently. Time came when we decided to meet up. Good thing it was the enrollment period at school so I had a reason to go out of the house without my mom interrogating me too much. When I met him, he didn’t look a lot like what I expected but he was cool enough for me to say “he’s fine”. Our meet ups became more frequent after that episode. Only then did I realize I was slowly falling for him. My classmates started noticing my blooming aura. They said I looked happier than before and that something looked different in me. Then I told them I was in love. They felt kilig and all yet they felt kinda shocked when I told them I was in love with a guy.

The love story didn’t turn out to be good. I experienced my first major heartache with my first homo love. It left me crippled for so long that it kept me from opening myself up to other guys who were willing to help me stand up again. Since I didn’t have that much gay friends, couldn’t find somebody I could confide to who would understand what I was going through. It took my almost 2 years before I tried opening the gates of my golden heart again. I continued living life and I started opening up more to my friends about my renewed lifestyle. Like I said, most of them told me they already knew that I was gay long before I told them about my preference. They told me that, yes, I was very straight-acting yet they could tell sby some of the gestures and expressions I make which made them doubt me. As I was trying to make myself used to this "life", it became somewhat a challenge for me to open up myself to people I recently meet. It would take me time before I come out because I don’t want people to start isolating themselves from me after knowing about my orientation.

Now that I’m all grown up, yes, I still have those kinds of heartaches, something similar to the time I first fell in love with a guy. I learned to flirt and be flirted, I learned how to be numb if needed. I also started getting used to opening up to people. Some of the girls even tell me “Nung nakilala kita, crush pa naman sana kita. Kaso bading ka pala” which does flatter me to a certain extent. Some don’t even have the slightest freakin’ idea until I say something that would shock them. I could remember my first coming out statement months back after my promotion and transfer to a different department:

Girl: Uy, they say ang pogi mo daw.
Robert: correction, maganda toh, MAGANDA!

That left her in awe.

I’ve grown-up to be that butterfly (so gay!!) that I didn’t really expect to be. I’ve grown from being naïve to being equipped. Although not yet fully, but enough to keep me strong. I still like being the guy that I am because everyone loves me for who and what I am. My straight guy friends even like me more now that I’m very open about being who I am. Most of those guys even love talking to me especially in drinking session because they find me more “sensible” compared to other guys. I get along well with girls because I have a taste for music, fashion and boys which is very usual for somebody like me. I also get along well with boys because I have this fascination for video games, action movies, guns, and other guy stuff. That’s why one of my friends quoted me as a “not-so typical gay guy”. Hence, Robert, your not-so typical gay guy has been born.

xoxo

Much Love

Friday, September 3, 2010

To ALL Late-Cummers

The brotherhood of theorgy has just consulted with us sisters:

Are we going to let you late-cummers in?

Without taking off anything, we said: yes.

All you need to do --

a) Post that entry.
b) Put the Coming Out logo on your post.
c) Email us at theorgyblog@gmail.com the link to your post.

Now clean up and write.

Jennifer, Jennifer - Nasan Ka? ni Carrie

ni Carrie

Guys, may ikukumpisal ako sa inyo."


Anticipated silence.

"I'm a gay."

Bumigay na ako sa pressure. Lasing ako nun, nakayuko, at tila tulalang nag-aantay ng dramtic cue kay Direk. Kasalanan ko naman, di ko maipakilala si "Jennifer", ang nagkukunwaring girlfriend na sa totoong buhay ay bakla din pala. Masyadong inconsistent ang mga kwento ko tungkol sa amin. Maraming loopholes. At madalas nilang nakikitang kasama ko ay hombre kesa merlat. Tuwing sumasama ako sa tagayan, di maiiwasang mapag-usapan ang ganitong mga bagay. Sa inuman, ang pulutan ay sex, love life, at kung si ganito ba ay bakla.

Pag nagkakayayaang mag-inuman, iwas na iwas na ako sa usaping relasyon. Sa paksang sex, nagkukunwari akong may karanasan, samantalang ang mga sinasabi ko ay nababasa ko lang sa xerex, sa wiki, at sa porn.

Bakit gusto nila akong hulihin? Bakit ayaw kong magpahuli?

Ang tao ay likas na mapagtanong. Kumbaga, usisero. Tsismoso. Hehe. Sa barkadang purong lalaki, di maiiwasan ang spekulasyon sa isang katoto na may kakaibang kinikilos. Bakit wala ka pang girlfriend? Sino kasama mo nung isang araw? Sino kausap mo sa telepono at bakit kayo nagsisigawan? Bakit madalas kayong magkasama ni ganito?

Mga tanong na di mamatay-matay pag di mo sinagot. At pag sinagot mo naman, may follow-up. At sasagutin mo ito ng isa pang kasinungalingan. Syempre, ikaw, mapipilitan kang humabi ng isang ginantsilyong kwento tungkol sa love life mo na hindi totoo. At pag nagkamali ka ng sulsi, lagot na ang kabuuan ng iyong piyesa.

Nung nalaman na ng barkada ko ang totoo, givenchy na ang acceptance.

"Tol, tanggap ka pa rin namin."

"Ayos lang yan. Barkada ka pa rin."

"Baka sa susunod naka-damit pambabae ka na ha." Naman. Di ko magagawa yan, kahit winish kong kasing hubog ko si Venus Raj at suot-suot ko ang mga sinuot nya sa Ms Universe, hanggang imahinasyon na lang ang ganyang pagtatangka.

"Alam na namin, hinihintay ka lang naming umamin." Tignan mo, talagang mamamatay lang ang alab ng pag-usisa pag inamin mo na sa kanila. Syempre, hindi pa natatapos dyan, iku-kwento mo pa sa kanila yung totoo. Syempre, parehong storya, iniba lang ang karakter. Ise-share ko na rin sana yung nagaganap sa kama, kaya lang ayaw nilang marinig. LOL.

Bakit ayaw kong magpahuli sa kanila? Ayokong magpahuli, kasi andun pa yung takot ko na mag-iiba ang tingin sa akin ng barkada. Baka isipin nilang niloloko ko sila, o kaya may lihim na pagtingin sa isa sa kanila at nagkukunwaring maging bahagi ng barkada para makasama sa mga inuman. Pero sa panahon ngayon, bukas na ang utak at kamalayan ng tao sa kabaklaan.

Nirirespeto nila ang kasarian ko, pero kung sinusuportahan nila ang mga ginagawa ko, hindi ko masabi. Basta, nandun yung mungkahi nilang maging ligtas ako sa mga "chorva" ko.

Dating nagkukuwari akong maging butch sa inuman; ngayon pwede na kong maging ako sa kanila. Hindi naman ako malambot na malambot, o nagtutumili habang kausap sila, pero malaya akong magbiro at gumamit ng gay lingo nang hindi napagdududahang bakla. Kasi alam nilang galing sa bakla. Meron pa nga sa kanila, umaasang magbabalik-loob ako. Natutuwa ako na may kaibigan akong busilak ang intensyon nila para sa akin. Ewan ko kung hindi pa rin nila matanggap ang tungkol sa akin. I think they still believe that someday I'll have a change of heart. Matagal na akong pusong mamon eh.

Matapos ng aking pag-amin, iba naman ang pinuntirya nilang lumabas. Na para bang may misyon silang ilabas ang lahat ng bakla sa barkada. Haha.

In To Be Out by Baklang AJ

By Baklang AJ

[Note: Like Gibbs and CC, I also forgot to sign up for the collective blogging event. I was planning to sign up and begin writing my post, but I was stuck in Pililla, Rizal during the long weekend - without Internet for three days! So here I am, posting about my coming out story. Better late than pregnant, I guess.]



My coming out story from Life’s a Beach, I’m a Bitch:

----------------------------------------
Christmas of 2005:



I took 5 days of Vacation Leave from work. I booked a trip to Davao to spend Christmas with my family. I somehow am already tired of family gatherings and parties, but this year, I wanted to go back home and tell my parents who I really am.


The days before Christmas Eve were extremely long as I was spending time with old friends, catching up on our lives. All those days were extremely longer as I was looking for a window of opportunity to come out to my folks.


Coming out is not easy. And you can never be too prepared.


We ate dinner around 8PM and I decided to go back up to my room. I just wanted to lie down, watch TV and wait for midnight. (I guess I’m too old for Christmas. I don’t really feel that sort of excitement children have – waiting for midnight to open the gifts up, then go out and play with other children.) Midnight came and went, but I was asleep. I did not get to do the traditional Christmas Midnight Noche Buena. But it did not matter.


When I got up, I carefully planned in my mind how I would tell my folks about me. Everytime I came out to someone, I made sure I broke it to them gently.


Since it was the 25th of December and the Metro Manila Film Festival Philippines already started, I quickly came up with a grand plan.


Mano Po 4: Ako Legal Wife was the only movie I planned on watching during this season’s film fest. I knew that there existed a character named Hamilton Chong (played by John Prats), a closeted gay man. This, I knew, should set the pace for me.


After the film, I brought them to Blugre Cafe (there is no Starbucks in Davao, and Blugre is the next best thing). My older brother and I brought our laptops and did some stuff for work there. The cafe had free wifi access (yes there is wifi in Davao!).


I was chatting with my boyfriend [insert ex's name] over ym. Then I went on to open his friendster account and view his pictures. My mom was curiously looking at my monitor. Then she asked who were in the pictures. “My Friends”, I quipped.


Less than five minutes later, I showed her one of Ex-boyfriend’s pix and told her that the guy was my “uyab”. Uyab is the bisaya androgynous term for BF/GF/Lover, just like the Filipino NOBYO and KASINTAHAN.


“That’s a guy.”


“Yes, he is a guy. His name’s [insert ex's name] and he’s currently in New York.”


“So you’re gay?”


“Yes, I am.”


smiles


“There he is.” I then clicked on Ex-boyfriend’s webcam window


Mom pinches my cheeks, smiling


It was that simple. No complications. She asked me a lot of questions about my bf and my life and about the “close friend” I always hung out with some two to three years ago. I told her that yes, HE was my boyfriend. Then she dropped her bomb.


“Oh, I see. I knew it.”


Then she went on smiling. My mom wears her heart on her sleeve, and I knew that she was happy. She still is. My brothers who were there just looked at HAN’s pics. My brother then made this funny remark: “So, naglaladlad ka na pala. Parang Ako Legal Wife.” Something of that sort. We all laughed.


And that was the end of it.


I am OUT and Proud.


I just wish it was THIS easy for everyone of us. I guess I’m just lucky that I have a family like mine. We may not be emotionally open amongst ourselves, but we sure stand by each other through thick and thin.


It’s IN to be OUT!

i had no choice by Soltero

by Soltero

(coming out of the closet)


Things were getting so complicated. It was a tangled web were in. I was beginning to like him, and she was starting to scare me with her phone calls and text messages. I was falling for Todd, Riza was falling for me.

Magkakaibigan kami. Magba barkada.

Todd is married to Joan.

Riza to Abet.

Married pa rin sila til now.

Ako naman, binata pa rin.

I guess sa sobrang closeness naming lima before, na halos every weekend magkakasama kami, something was bound to happen. Sa sobra kong mapagbiro and sobrang pa charming (haha) di ko alam nadevelop na pala sa akin si Riza. Kaya pala everytime I tease her, lagi na lang parang galit at madaling mapikon . One day, she called me up. She told me something that was wuite shocking - she said that she's in love with me and she wants us to be an item. Napa What? and OMG ako. Kaso ang tanga ko, I knew it wasn't right and I knew di kami pwedeng dalawa. But I can't tell her di pwede kasi I didn't want her to get hurt. Aside from her being married, di ko rin sya type.

Kasi ang type ko...

Si Todd. Yung isa naming kabarkada na married ke Joan. Ang cute kasi nya, at first wala lang saken, barkada tlaga. Kaso one time nag karaoke kami, I sang "Say That You Love Me", bigla syang nakipag duet. Tapos everytime na kinakanta ko na yung song , ayun lagi sumasabay. Hello! lumambot puso ko. Ayun, di na sya mawala sa isip ko. I tell him that i love him in my dreams na after that! bwahahaha...

I knew where I stand as regards Todd. kaya i tried real hard to keep it within me at first. Pero mabaliw baliw ako sa kanya that time. Whenever I had the chance to go and visit him, Ispend time sa bahay nila. I don't know if they had sensed something peculiar. When the feeling was too much to bear, I told Todd how I felt about him. he didn't seem to mind it, but he did not encourage it. Parang wala lang. Basta nandyan lang ako, andyan lang sya. We're just friends, nothing more than that.

But Riza was different. She was adamant. "Whatever Riza wants, Riza gets" was her mantra. Sa sobrang di na nya mapigilan ang feelings nya, nahahalata na ng husband nya. She was always so happy when i'm around. When i leave, her mood will change. Kapag wala ako sa lakad, siya ang tumatawag at pilit na pinapa punta ako. Kaya nung sobra na obvious na ni Abet, he confronted us.

Naipit ako between Scylla and Charybdis.

One day when i was at their house having dinner, Abet suddenly brought up the topic. He asked us if there was something goin on between me and his wife.

Sa kaba ko and gulat, and to end what could be a disastrous day, I searched for the nearest way out, I had no other choice but to tell them my secret.

That I was really in love that time,although not with Riza, but with Todd our other friend.

And that yes, I am not-so-straight as what they think of.

Their jaws dropped and wouldn't believe what I said.

They thought I was pulling their legs.

It was just like a telenovela scene.

I had no choice then, I had to find a way to bail myself out of that mess.

That's the only way out i can think of.

But i did not regret it, heck i was so relieved I did it.

Because even after so many years had passed, they still remain my closest friends.

And to date, I do trust them fully, And now I tell them all my dirty little secrets. "P



(and about Todd? di na kami masyadong close ngayon. nawala na kasi ung kanyang pagka cute haha )

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Kalayaan by Mu[g]en

Our beloved Mu[g]en has also contributed by reposting his entry entitled Kalayaan.

Go here.

Suicide Letter ng Isang Bakla ni Edgar Portalan

ni Edgar Portalan


Ito ay inakda ko para sa dyaryong PM na nalathala nuong Agosto 22, 2004 para sa kolum na Bagong Tinta ni Mr. Ronnie M. Halos......muli ko itong ire-repost dito bilang pakikiisa sa sama-samang paglalathala ng isang "coming out " blogpost para sa araw na ito ........


To my family,

Marahil ay magugulat kayo sa pagkakatagpo ninyo sa akin sa ganitong kalagayan. Bago po ang lahat, nais ko po munang humingi ng tawad dahil sa aking ginawa.Lubha pong hindi ko na makayanan ang bigat ng aking dinadala kung kaya napagpasyahan kong ituloy na ang matagal ko nang binabalak gawin.

Buo na sa isip ko na marahil ay sadyang hindi nyo na ako matatanggap at mauunawaan sa aking kalgayan. Minsan ko lang po sainyo aaminin, at hindi ko sinasadyang sa ganitong pagkakataon ko ilalabas ang tungkol sa aking tunay na pagkatao.Nais ko pong kumpirmahin at aminin sa inyo na tama ang inyong hinala na isa nga akong bakla!

Marahil ay hindi na kayo magugulat. Bata pa lang ako ay kinakitaan nyo na ako ng sintomas ng pagiging isang bakla. At dahil sa takot ninyo na mailabas ko ang katotohanan sa aking pagkato ay ginawa ninyo ang lahat upang ito ay hadlangan. Pinilit ninyo akong magpakalalaki. Ipinadama ninyo at ipinangaral kung gaano ninyo kinasusuklaman ang pagiging isang bakla. Bilang isang masunuring anak, pinilit kong sumunod sa inyong mga utos, sa abot ng aking makakaya. Napaniwala ninyo ako na isa nga akong tunayu na lalaki. At dapat maging kilos lalaki ako dahil nakakahiya ang maging bakla.Itinago ko ang aking tunay na damdamin. Nagbalatkayo ako sa pag-asang matatanggap ninyo ako bilang isang tunay na lalaki. Pilit kong itinatwa ang aking nararamdaman dahil sa takot na hindi ninyo matanggap oras na malaman nyo ang katotohanan. Matagal na panahon ko itong kinimkim at iningatan sa aking puso.

Ngunit minsan, ang isang lihim kahit na anong gawin mong pagtatago ay pilit at pilit na lalabas at aalingasaw.Dumarating at darating ang panahon na hindi mo na maitatago ang katotohanan at kusa na lang itong sisingaw. Nagpupumilit na umalpas ang isang natatagong damdamin hanggang sa hindi mo na ito mapigil . Kahit na anong tago ko, hindi ko na ito mapipigilang lumabas. Parang isang kumukulong tubig sa loob ng takure na hindi maglalaon ay lalabas ang singaw. At nangyari nga ang aking kinatatakutan. Ang pagsingaw ng aking katauhan!

Ngunit hindi ninyo ito natanggap at hindi niyo na ito matatanggap pa. Alam kong sinarado nyo na ang inyong kaisipan pagdating sa pagiging masama ng isang bakla. Na ito ay isang nakakasuka at nakapandidiring kalagayan ng isang tao. At ang hindi ninyo matangggap ay ang katotohanang kabilang dito ang isa ninyong anak.

Nalalaman kong masama ang loob ninyo sa akin. Sapagkat hindi ko na kayang itago ang aking tunay na pagkatao. Nasusuklam kayo dahil mas pinili ko ang lumantad kaysa tikisin ang aking damdamin. Na mas pinili ko ang kayo ay mapahiya kaysa sa hirap ng aking kalooban. Ngunit patawarin ninyo ako, naging mahina ako at nailabas ko ang dapat sana ay habambuhay kong kinikimkim hanggang sa aking hukay. At hind ko ito mapapayagang lapastanganin ang respetong inyong tinatamasa mula sa mga nakakakilala at mga kaibigan. Kaya ito ang huling naging pasya ko: ang putulin ang pag-usbong ng kahihiyan sa ating pamilya.

Sana maintindihan ninyo ako kung bakit ko ito ginawa. Hindi dahil sa kayo ay gusto kong ipahiya, manapa nga ay para iligtas kayo sa kahihiyan.

Pinili ko ang mas madaling paraan upang maayos ang takbo ng ating sambahayan. Naisip ko, kung patuloy pa kong mabubuhay sa kawalang direksyon at magulong buhay ng isang bakla, ay lalo ko lang kayong ilulublob sa kumunoy ng kahihiyan. Kaya minabuti kong wakasan na ito hangga't maaga pa, habang hindi pa nag-uugat ang aking piniling buhay.

Nais ko lang malaman ninyo na hindi ko ito ginusto. Bata pa lang ako ay ito na ang aking nararamdaman. Sadya nga lang yatang isinilang ako sa maling pagkakataon at maling panahon. Marahil ay hindi na ako maiintindihan ng sinuman sa aking kapwa. Kung sarili ko ngang pamilya ay hindi ako maunawaan, ano pa kaya ang ibang tao.

Maraming mga tanong ang hindi ko pa nasasagot; at marahil ay hindi ko na msasagot pa. Siguro Diyos na lang ang nakakaunawa sa akin. Ngunit mistulang kahit ang Diyos ay nakikiisa sa pagsasabing ako ay karima-rimarim. Hindi ko alam.

Saan ako ngayon pupunta? Bahala na!

Pinilit ninyo akong pinalakad sa isang diretso at malawak na highway. Maganda ang daan at sementado. Ngunit umiba ako ng landas at at aking tinahak ang malubak at baku-bakong Avenida. Kinuha ninyo ako at muling ibinalik sa highway, ngunit pilit ko pa ring tinatahak ang maputik na Avenida. Hanggang sa pabayaan nyo na kong lakbayin ang daan patungo sa kung saan man. At heto na nga ako , tinatahak ang mahabang Avenida ng kapalaran. Kung saan ito hahantong ay hindi ko alam. Kung ano ang naghihitay sa akin sa dako pa roon ay tanging Diyos lamang ang nakakaalam. Basta ang mahalaga ay tinahak ko ang daang nais kong lakaran.

Paalam sa inyong lahat!

Paalam!

A Letter to An Old Friend, The Closet by jimsimon

by jimsimon


Hello, it’s been awhile since I last talked to you, how’s life treating you these days? I hope they’re much appreciative now unlike me when it was my time with you. Me? Well, I’m still the same old guy you took in years ago only a little braver now. I’d like to believe I’m braver now. It’s just that I missed you and though it’s hard to admit I sometimes miss the person I was when I was with you.


I still remember the first I knew about me, I was scared and lonely, Scared and lonely to the point that I wanted to take my very own life just to end a misery I was about to go through. Then you came, you were a shelter, a home that I’ve come to love. I was safe inside you, no one can hurt me inside you and you were my freedom of some sort back then.

You weren’t selfish, you’d let me peek through your keyholes and let me see the colorful parade outside, you know I secretly wanted to join the parade but it was I who wouldn’t leave the comfort of your anonymity. Sometimes you’d catch me slightly opening your doors and catching glimpses of the life outside you, I remembered how you touch my shoulder and whispered gently to me to try and see how beautiful it is to see the rainbow in its full glory and not in some obstructed view; I simply let out a sigh and shut your doors.

Inside your comfort, I grew restless; I let out tantrums for not being able to express what I really feel. You say it was inevitable, that no one can really stay inside you for long, some went out lashing out your door with their new found pride in tow, some came out as silently as possible, some came out and then went back in, some just enjoyed the comfort of being able to go back and forth inside your fortress and some like I, went out and forgotten to look back at you.

Outside, you’re known as some sort of an antagonist, colorful people sees you as a prison, a place where cowards resides, a mockery of their rainbow hued lives, I must admit that for sometime after I came out, I thought of you in that style, I apologize for not running in you defense. I know you couldn’t hate me, I still remember how you welcomed me back after years of not seeing you, I got myself a new job then, I was too scared to lose my job just because I’m different from the rest of the people at my workplace, you were again my relief that time, again you gave me a much needed anonymity, a darkness that would hide my true color.

Now, it’s been years since I last saw you, I came back not to check myself in again, I’m here to pay respect to you., Much has been said about how coming out of you have been one’s most liberating experience, not much on how in some ways you helped us through the roughest time of our lives, times when even our closest family and friends wouldn’t understand us, times when all we think was other people would say, times when for us being different is the last thing we want to be, you gave us time to ponder and think, you gave us anonymity just when we needed it the most and you gave us darkness so we could appreciate the colors outside you.

I’ll be forever grateful to you; I wouldn’t be as proud as I’m today being gay if it weren’t for you.

Still a friend,

Ex- Closet Princess.

Purging the Demons of the Constipated by Lord Fernandez

by Lord Fernandez

Today I live a life of Beauty, Peace and Love. I know – it’s a line that is usually reserved for beauty queens – but am I not one? Many years ago – I lived a life of denial, secrecy, and as one of my friends call it – constipation. My best friend actually revealed that prior to the day that I came out – I actually looked constipated. Looking back at the pictures – I must agree with her. Now that I live the life an openly gay man – my countenance is just a lot more relaxed – which I think contributes to my inward sense of being beautiful.


One of my favorite shows – and this will not be a surprise – is “Will and Grace”. Will’s character did mention that once you come out – you can never come back inside the closet. I agree with him because the act of coming out is very similar to that of being born into this world.

I remember the days/months/ or years leading to that fateful day. At first – I did admit to my closest friends that I recognize that if I find that the person I love is a man – I will accept it. Even during those moments – I could not get myself to admit that I am gay.

For most of my friends – they can actually recall the first time that they came out. I can remember it as well. I came out as a grown up man. I did not come out till I was in my late 20s. The first time that I admitted that I was gay was when I had dinner with a close friend of mine. Of course in response – she quickly set me up on a date with one of her friends who apparently was attracted to me.

After that – the revelation came to my other friends, some members of the family, and eventually my colleagues. Yes – I am openly out at work. The reactions are varied – but I will always cherish those reactions of joy and excitement from those who love me.

Coming Out? by Ms. Chuniverse

by Ms. Chuniverse

Gusto kong mag-out pero ‘di ko magawa.


I know that I owe it to myself and kung meron mang dapat akong unang pagsabihan, sa parents ko siguro. Pero hindi ko kaya. Kung mag-out man ako in public…

Siguro ‘pag isa na akong ulila.

Baka kasi ako pa ang maging cause of departure ni mother at father sa mundong itetch pag vonggang vonggang nag-spread ng wings ang kanilang panganay.

Seriously.

Mahirap. Sobrang hirap. I’d rather make the ultimate sacrifice kaysa makabigat pa sa damdamin ng mga magulang ‘ko. Kung ako lang, kaya ‘kong tiisin ang mga malisyosong tingin, ang mga bulong-bulungan at ang mga pag-uusisa. Pero my parents, I don’t think they can take all of those. I’ll just spare them the trouble.

Buhay ko man ito, kadugtong pa rin ang pamilya ko. And until such time na totally tanggap na ng publiko ang buhay na itinadhana sa ‘kin, hindi ko pa masasabi ang katagang…

Mom, Dad, whiz ko na ever kayang mag hide cheverlu. Isa po akong sirena.

Well, in the closet or not, that won’t stop me for living the life of a happy gay man.

And just like that, I was out. by Gibbs Cadiz

by Gibbs Cadiz

[Note: Like CC, I forgot to sign up, too, for this collective blogging event. But I'd like to pitch in, anyway, by reposting my own story.]

--------------------------------------

[To the TODAY editors, June 1995]: Thank you for publishing the incredibly homophobic, galactically stupid letter of one Cris Villahermosa II expressing the “waves of loathing and revulsion” he felt over Gerard Ramos' apparent penchant for what's “in between Mel Gibson's legs.” Allow me to answer him in kind.


Dear Mr. Villahermosa: Hey, asshole, nice phrase, but you can't imagine the waves of loathing and revulsion that equally hit me as I read your letter.


Not only are you an ignorant, narrow-minded dope; your values are also screwed up pretty bad. You can't believe there are respectable gays? Why, this may shock you and shatter your self-righteous “straight” sensibilities, but my friends and I happen to be gay and are living full, happy and self-respecting lives. Far more happy and secure, I bet, than the miserably prejudiced, hate-filled existence you are barely able to hack on this planet.


Most of us are no better or worse than straight people--we pay our taxes, we work hard, we nurture our families and children--but at least no gay I've met so far has ever wished on anybody the unspeakable fate of the Holocaust victims. You have, and my oh my, you tell us you're a “normal” guy?


Honey, we're no sickos. You are.


And since you seem to wax orgasmic at the thought of Hitler butchering homosexuals and other “inferior” races, tell me, how do you think you would have fared under him? Ha, I'd love to see how your dear old Adolf would've treated a flat-nosed, brown-skinned, pudgy little non-Aryan like you!


No, Mr. Villahermosa, we're not about to take any more shit from you or from anybody else about us. By the way, my gay AND straight friends and I are curious: why the “revulsion” at the thing between Mel Gibson's legs? You sound as if it's so alien to you. Were you born without it?


GILBERT H. CADIZ, Makati City

The letter got published a day after I faxed it to the paper.

And just like that, I was out--never to return to that horrid closet. If you'd like to hear the story of what led me, at 25 years old, to finally kick the door open and write this enraged letter, tune in to Part 1 of our new Troika podcast. Migs and McVie also share their own “volt-out” stories.

Part 2 has more of our thoughts on coming out, e.g., dealing with hostile family and friends, doing it the “strategic” way, why come out at all, reconciling gayness and faith, etc. For levity's sake, I couldn't help injecting into the mix these two coming-out anecdotes (tell me which generation you belong to):

Scenario 1
Son: “'Nay, bakla po ako.
Mom: (Crying) “Kasi naman ikaw, anak, di ka nagsisimba!

Scenario 2
Son: “'Nay, bading po ako.
Mom: “Hmmp, nakikiuso ka lang.”

my coming out story again by Corporate Closet

by Corporate Closet

im reposting my coming out story, told as part of my tribute to my mom during mother's day, 2008. this is in solidarity with theorgy's call for a september 1 a collective blogging event


unfortunately, i didnt sign up. sorry, theorgy. but id like to contribute anyway. so here goes...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

happy nanay day!

i'm probably one of the world's luckiest sons. and i say that with all objectivity. i have a nanay who's so Gloria Romero (def: barkada term for consenting mother, taken from the 80's sitcom Palibhasa Lalaki where Gloria played a drunken consenting motherhen). though she wasn't always as 'agreeable' to my life choices.

she has always been a housewife to my father, raising a brood of six kids as my dad visited his clinics. she honestly had to learn motherhood the hard way, having married at 22yo, and 4 brothers as siblings. and a polio victim at that.

but raised us she did! and we learned how to be OC-OC from her (def: obsessive compulsive disorder). she wanted order and cleanliness.

i guess she must have suspected of my PLU ways when i was more interested in my sister's Barbie dolls than in the toy machine gun tatay got for me. hihihi. (this period i outgrew my affection for girls and my yaya's boobs. hahaha) and in high school when my friends were all badings, she did say something like "hijo, yung mga barkada mo, para silang bakla. baka mahawa ka. ibahin mo na lang." i staunchly defended my barkada, for i loved them so. and she never mentioned them again. so coming out to her was really no big surprise.

but i assumed she went through denial. but there was no denying it anymore when my sister brought to her attention a letter i wrote to one of my friends. this was when i was in 1st year college. and the barkada had broken up (almost all of us went to different schools). so we would write letters to each other. and i stupidly left on the typewriter (!?!) my ultra, mega-bading letter to her, with all the gayspeak! yes. no more denying. she held a family caucus while i was going to mass. they confronted my blossoming sexual orientation. and agreed to support me but only after nanay and tatay had discussed this with me.

i noticed that week that something was amiss. i was being quietly avoided. which was fine with me. but come saturday afternoon, my mom asked to talk to me.

nanay on the kitchen table, 'nagpipili ng bigas' (def: the rice grains bought from the market didnt used to be as cleanly milled. one had to use flat shallow basket (bilao) to lay the grains out and pick the unmilled grains or the deformed ones for disposal). maintaining her composure, though i know she had been crying previously.

'anak, yung mga barkada mo... sila ba ay...' i finished the sentence for her... no, i cut her with an immediate reply: 'opo.. lahat kami bading.' 'aaah' she calmly responded.

'gusto mo ba ng tulong? baka gusto mo ng psychiatrist?'

'di po. natanggap ko na eto. kung dati, siguro, makakatulong yun. pero ngayon, acceptance na lang ang hihingiin ko.'

'eh pano yan, di ba kasalanan sa Diyos yan?'

'bahala na po ang Diyos sa akin. gusto ko lang na alam niyo na at di ko na kailangan i-lihim pa.'

'okay. sige hijo. tatapusin ko pa 'to.' i stood up and left.

that was the start of her acceptance of who i was, her first-born son, the son who carried both grandfathers' names in his own name, a true 'the Third'.

her life journey also took her to Opus Dei where she became an incorporator. OD calmed her down, gave her resilience and a barkada of her own, until now. and though i thought OD would turn her into a preachy minister, giving me sermons on the 'gay path to hell', she never did.

she did tell me that she struggled reconciling her new-found fervor with the Catholic Church and her acceptance of my sexuality early on. but she remembered having a dream where she looked inside my bag and saw a Crucifix. she interpreted that dream to be a message telling her I was okay.

ill never forget how comforting that story was. and how that shaped my own belief in a Benevolent Jesus who loves me and accepts me.

so ive always been soooo close to her. ive taken it upon myself to take care of her, of them. and i love making her laugh, making her happy. i make it a point to have dinner with them as often as i could. and they know all my exes, and those that matter. they give me their own assessments which i value. (even as i write this post intentionally talking about just nanay, i couldnt. because nanay and tatay, they really are one now.)



nanay, thank you for being the best ever mom a gay man could ever have. i know im the envy of almost everybody, with the kind of relationship we have, with the kind of nanay i have. thank you for the genes of beauty and brains i got from your side of the family. =) thank you for accepting me, warts and all. thank you for your tears, worrying about me all this time. thank you for your smile, that i love seeing. thank you for the faith you have instilled in me. thank you for the education that has brought me here. and thank you for showing me what unconditional love REALLY means. i love you, nanay.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

The Son Will Come Out by Lyka Bergen

by Lyka Bergen

I dont even know what a 'bakla' was. As a kid, I used to play Jackstone and its Chinese version and was very good at it challenging my cousins Geraldine and Laura.


While my brothers and boy cousins play Jolens, I chose to play Chinese Garter with all the girl neighbors. I played Piko rather than making a toy truck out of milk cans. And I chose carrying a basket like going to the market over shooting a basket with a heavy orange ball. But, was it really a choice? I thought I was just being me and do things I enjoy.

As I get a little bit older, the teasing begins. I dont understand why people in the neighborhood were picking on me. Those people I dont even know. I remember asking my mom one night of why do they do that."Because you are different" she replied. I still didn't understand.

One afternoon, everybody in the clan was in our compound for a gathering. My uncle from Cebu came to visit us. He offered to bring all the boys to watch the movie, King Kong. I was so excited and so ready to go and felt sorry for Geraldine and Laura who cannot come. Until..... that Uncle told me that I'm not coming. "You're not a boy, are you?"

With tears, I ran looking for my mom crying out, "Im a boy!" and told her of what happened. She got angry. Towing me to see that intolerant Uncle but to no avail, he and the boys have already left. Mom tried to pacify me with a promise of us watching King Kong the next day but it didnt help my wailing. Cousins Geraldine and Laura grabbed my hand and led me to one corner. Then, right there at that moment, I understood what was really going on.

That was my first ever rejection as being gay. I so hated that moment that it led me to the thought that being 'different' is not a good thing. I tried not to be 'different' from then on but for some reasons I still cannot hide it. More teasing. More Rejections as i grow older. I tried more to stop it by denying what I feel, and not showing to other people who I am inside. I learned the art of pretending and like playing Jackstones, I was good at it.

Because of my bad childhood experiences as a Power Puff Girl, I turned out to become Spidey, hiding my true identity with an awkward mask. I opted coming out only to the members of The League of Extraordinary Very Gentle-Men who I think can understand me. It started with my very good friend, Plastic Man (Mama O) when we were in College. He kept on asking me who is this new guy friend I am always with. I told him, "He's my boyfriend". Those were my first ever coming-out words. From Plastic Man to Batman, my coming out was spilled to everyone in the group, who themselves shared their own stories too. I chose them because they are like me. People who are different, like my Mom's description of me when I was a child.

Today, despite of his different kinda powers, Spidey is still scared and wounded deep inside. Like his friend's Superman's Kryptonite, close-minded people making monkey out of him will cause him pain and weakness. So he chooses to continue to hide from the majority, including his own Family (whom he thinks doesn't need to know for they knew already).

Not a good defense, but the great Freud will comprehend. And yes, he still believes that the son will come out..... tomorrow!

Pare, bakla ako by Jericho

by Jericho

At the risk of playing into stereotypes, I will dare consider coming out as the most macho thing a gay guy can do.

For coming out is not a leisurely trip in the park. It is an agonizing process where one tries to weigh in and balance various factors from the personal to the social. Scenarios are built and most of the time, they are all grim and we cringe at the thought of one of them happening.

Myself, it took a broken heart, the not-so-holy spirit of Jack Daniels, and the knowledge of the political correctness of my colleagues to make me finally say that the “phase” I was in was for keeps.

Coming out is more of like a gauntlet thrown out by knights to pose a challenge. We say that we come out when we are ready and this readiness means we stick with dicks no matter what happens. Through thick or thin … or small, medium, large or extra large.

We come out expecting to get riddled with questions, to be met with amazement and even be ridiculed. Still we do so. Our coming out of the closet is a challenge we pose for others to come out of their own closeted existence where gays should, well, be in the closet.

The first people I came out to just said “OK”. When I came out to my sister, she just warned me not to get a boyfriend before she does. My third coming out was on Facebook. It did result to some comments but definitely not to a discussion page.

Whether they did accept what I said or understood what it meant did not really matter. At the very least, it probably got them to think that from then on, they have to deal with a gay guy whenever I am around.

To paraphrase a quote by Mao, revolution is not a dinner party or embroidery. So is coming out though we do love parties and have nimble fingers for needlework. If a revolution is about creating a new society, coming out opens one up to a new way of life.

It takes a lot of nerves to man up and be gay. In the kind of society we are in, once you come out, you have to come out again and again to defend your choice, banish prejudices and smash stereotypes. It is like a perpetual ejaculation with no real orgasm immediately in sight.

However hard it is, I still prefer to be out.

In any case, something hard is not always a bad thing, right?

Counting by Kiks

by Kiks

Thirty minutes to 12 and I have not even started my coming out post.


Maybe because I never really felt the need to come out.

I have always been out. At a tender age of 3, I knew I was gay and people around me were gay. It seemed as if our village was planting and harvesting homosexuality and we are shipping them to every part of the country.

The issue never really struck me until a friend of mine from college was refused entry to a bar. Simply because he was a cross-dressing, wig-wearing and well-made up bakla.

A few years later, I met the same old friend. Except this time, he was bemuscled, no tinge of foundation on his face and was talking in a baritone. Noticing how queasy I was, he gave his one-liner: I need to work to live.

That got me. Fitting yourself into that square so you can be hired. Going one step back into the closet just so you can earn. And finally, earn enough to buy yourself a plane ticket to Ibiza. Or simply run away.

Four minutes more and I am still not finished.

I guess it takes more than one post to grope with the complex process of coming out as it is years to come out.

We have demons, big and small, to fight, even before and after we come out of the closet.

One has to calculate each and every move to win the struggle. But then, it may be a collective battle altogether.

And my two minutes are up.

And then I came out of Narnia by Adam

by Adam


I contemplated on whether I should write this or not. It has only been a few days since I came out to some of the most important people in my life. Among all of them, there is one story I would like to share. Cliche as it seems, it is how I came out to my Mom. This post is quite long so bear with me. Nobela to.


And here is how the story goes...

More than a week ago, I changed my Facebook status from 'single' to 'in a relationship'. It was something that caused quite a stir among my friends and family. Apparently, me being in a relationship is such a huge deal for them. A lot of people commented, reacted, asked. One of them was my Mom.

"Who's your girlfriend?", she asked me over the phone.

"Oh that? It's nothing don't mind that", I answered.

She noticed that I didn't want to talk about it so she dropped the topic. A few days after that, she came to Manila. A few hours after she arrived, she was in my room playing Farmville. I was watching TV. She asked me again,

"Who is your girlfriend?"

"No one, don't take that seriously", I answered.

"Why don't you wanna tell me? Is she ugly? Is she stupid? Is she poor? What?"

"No its not that."

"Tell me. I thought we were close, you could tell me anything."

"Mom...its...complicated", I answered with a sigh.

"Try me", she insited.

"No", I firmly said.

"Why? Are you worried I will get mad? Are you worried about something? I don't have hypertension or anything you know", she said trying to feign humor.

"You might have if I tell you the story."

"Just tell me c'mon.", she said without looking at me, being too engrossed with Farmville.

I fell silent and I just looked at her while she was harvesting her crops. I wanted to tell her. I could feel my heart beating so fast, it felt like a thousand drums were pounding on my chest. I took a deep breath.

"It's now or never", I told myself.

I pulled my mom close to me and hugged her really tight. I lay my head on her shoulder and I was stopping myself from crying.

"What is it anak? What's wrong?", she asked.

I didn't respond.

"Anak you can tell me anything. Did you do something wrong? Is something bothering you?"

I started crying silent tears.

"Anak I am your Mom. I only want you to be happy and I will understand you for whatever it is you have done", she said reassuringly.

"Mom I don't know how to tell you this...I don't know how or where to start so I'll just say it out right", I suddenly said.

She nodded.

"Mom...I don't have a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend", I said and at that moment I broke down in tears.

My mom without wasting a second hugged me and said that she already knew.

She explained it to me. She already knew. Apparently even as a child, she wished that I would be gay because a gay son would never leave her and would put her above everything else. She said that it was a part of her that was too selfish to share me with another woman.

My Mom said that she was raised by my grandpa who was not her biological father but was gay. She said that because of him, she saw that gay men can be more decent than straight men and that there was nothing wrong with being gay specially in this day and age. She added that she saw the life my grandpa led, how blessed and happy he was because he was gay.

It made me feel so much better.

"Im sorry Momma", I said, voice a bit cracking.

"There is nothing to be sorry about. When you told me, did I look surprised? Did I look shocked?", she asked, "I already knew it anak and I know that it is something very private and very hard for you to say so all I've been waiting for is for you to tell me. I did not want to be presumptuous, I did not want to catch you off guard. I wanted you to tell me when you were ready."

I could not stop crying at that point. Was I dreaming? Was all of this real? Was my Mom actually telling me these things?

"I'm happy that you told me the truth. I am relieved. Just because you are gay, it does not mean that I will love you any less. I love you more because you told me the truth and I now how hard it is to admit something like this. I know what a relief it is because you've been harboring this secret inside you for a long time."

Every time my Mom talked, every word she said, all I did was look at her in the eyes. I did not see anger. I did not see disappointment. I did not see remorse. I only saw relief.

The conversation became lighter eventually. My mom said that she does not see me marrying a girl and that if that day would come, she wont break down and stop the wedding because she won't be able to accept that.

"When I saw that you changed your FB status, the first thing that came to my mind was 'poor girl' because I did not know it was a guy. But now that I know, I'm much more relieved. I mean, if it was a girl and she loves you then it's her problem because I know that you are gay, and besides, ako lang ang babae sa buhay mo no!", she said.

I laughed.

My mom assured me that nothing would change. She gave me advice on how to handle relationships and all that. She also said that I should know that there would be criticisms, there would be reactions and that I should be ready for that. I told her I already was.

She asked me about my boyfriend and that if he was my first.

"He's not. You've already met two of my ex-boyfriends actually and they've also been to the house", I said.

She knew exactly who I was talking about and for their sake, I won't mention their names here.

We had a short conversation about my exes and I told her why we broke up. She knew that I dont talk to them anymore but the details we're always shady. Now, everything made more sense to her.

"So tell me about your boyfriend. What does he do? How old is he? Is he still studying?"

"He's 23, he's working and he's a cum laude. He's smart, he's good looking and he loves me a lot", I replied.

"Does he have a Facebook account? What is it? Show me his picture", my mom demanded.

"Why?"

"So I'd know what he looks like and I'll see kung may malalait ako sa kanya", she said laughing.

I thought for a second and I opened his picture which was saved on my desktop.

"Ooohhhh he's cute. Disente manamit. Good ah. At least marunong kang pumili", she suddenly blurted out.

I couldn't help but laugh out loud.

She said that she's happy that I'm happy and that she's glad I found someone but she lay down some ground rules.

Bawal ang live-in.

Conduct yourself properly in public.

And...if you break up...move on. Let go. What doesnt destroy you will make you stronger. You should know that.

"Malamang", I told myself. I just nodded.

"Tama na nga to, I'm not done harvesting yet", she suddenly said.

"Ma, I wonder what will Papa and his relatives say when they find out?", I asked innocently.

She burst out into laughter.

"Oh yeahhh", she said, "Well anyway, it's not like they've done anything for you, so they have no right to react".

It's been days since we had this conversation. Nothing has changed. We've actually become closer. The only difference is that I'm happier than I've ever been. I've already told most of my close friends, and all of them accepted me with open arms.

Coming out is hard. Coming out is scary, its terrifying, it downright nerve wracking. But I am happy and thankful that my friends and my mom have made it so easy for me. This is not what I expected, not at all. So for everyone out there who's afraid to come out, I'm not forcing you to come out, but let me tell you that when you do, it is at that moment when you realize who your true friends are and how much your family loves you.

Now I can sleep soundly at night. Now it no longer bothers me. Now I have everything I could ever want and more.

Now I am out of Narnia...and it feels so much better...

stepped out: since 1999 by PJ

by PJ

This project caught my attention whilst browsing non-work related sites during office hours (heh!) and I realized that for the past four years that I've been [intermittently] blogging, I haven't really talked about my coming-out story (there was a brief mention here). Sure, this blog's littered with tales of whine and proses; of the highs and lows of being NBSB and of porn analyses, but I haven't really shared how it all started, have I?


(But does it matter? Telling my story, that is? Not really, but what the heck. People usually laugh at how supposedly funny my story was... not sure how it'll translate in writing, though.)


Anyhoo, it was during our high school senior year retreat when I finally accepted that yes, I was... "confused" (LOL!). For one thing, majority of the palanca letters I received from my classmates had the same message: accept who you really are because we'll love you no matter what. For another, during one of our reflection periods (Was it during Day 2?) the one thought that was running through my head was this: God's love is supposed to be unconditional; if not, well fuck it, I'm going to hell.

(The fact that I saw a classmate in black string briefs when I was on wake-up call duty -- he opened the door pissed off at 5 in the morning -- and that stories of other milagro happening before confession were circulating did not help matters.)

I remember my (sort of) grammatically incorrect confession then: "bless me father, for I have sinned... I having homosexual -- and heterosexual thoughts." Yep, I just made heterosexuality a sin.

I say "confused" because that's what I told my mother a couple of months later when we had a heart to heart talk. By then I have embraced my overall nelly-ness at school: I started retaliating or playing along to the taunts of our basketball jocks ("Kandong ka naman!" "Sige ba!"). The Mean Gays who were ostracizing me and used to leave my bag in the middle of the soccer field for the past three years became friendlier because they're now sure that "I'm one of them". Cue the boyband obsessions, Playgirl picture exchanges via rainbow-colored Imation floppy disks, and porn watching parties!

Of course, mother doesn't know about these shenanigans at school until the principal supposedly raised his "concern" one day when she visited the campus. One night, over sinigang, she dropped the bomb:

"Anak, bakla ka ba?"

To which I tearfully replied:

"Hindi ko po alam!"

Yes, despite the fact that I played Barbie and Ken when I was five, or that I sang and danced telenovela theme songs in front of my sophomore class three times on different occasions, I "did not know".

But who does at age fifteen anyway? I mean, I know I was different even when I was much younger, and yet I still had a hard time saying the "B" word out loud. To myself. To everyone. On the bright side, at least "confused" was a much better state that I can label myself I was in then. Rather than, say "childish". ;)

Of course, that statement has had some minor repercussions. Mother held on to that sliver of hope, praying that it's just a phase that I'll outgrew (something I dashed completely come college when I had no qualms sleeping with my girl friends on the same bed during all-nighters). Friends attempted to psychoanalyze my situation ("you just lack a father figure") and were worried that I came out too late ("So sa college ka maglalalandi? Di ka talaga magkaka-boypren!"). Come to think of it, these last two items may probably explain why I'm drawn to someone more mature, and *sigh* why I'm still single. Self-fulfilling prophecy much?

It was halfway through college that I mustered enough courage to say to the world (a la Jack McFarland) that I'm here, I'm queer, and the world better get used to it. Apparently for me, someone who easily gets registered at another person's gaydar even at first glance, finding out and accepting who I am still came in stages.

I still count that senior retreat as my "anniversary" though. It makes good story for one. And of course, my classmate's string briefs is forever etched in my mind. :)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

[Technicolor Musings] Getting Dragged Out Of The Closet by Rocky

by Rocky

I normally save my Technicolor Musings posts for Sundays, but today marks the first theorgy blogging event. It seems theorgy is meant as an opportunity for local pink bloggers to write about a particular topic, similar to Blog Action Day and other such organized blogging events around the web.


And yes, your Geeky Guide is very much gay - and highly proudly so. And the topic for this first theorgy is all about coming out, which ironically is something I didn't quite officially do - at least not by choice. That makes it a bit more interesting and I've always been one to support the local LGBT blogging community.

So pull up a comfy seat, and put on some good mood music - this may take a while, should you be interested to hear the tale..

It was February 2003 when I was riding on cloud nine. My partner at the time and I were on a high after getting over what could have been a major deal-breaker in our budding relationship. But that was past and now I was happy as could be and I actually felt like it was about time for me to start telling people that I was close to about the truth. I wanted to be able to share my happiness with those people I valued, despite my Herculean efforts in the past to keep this side of my life secret from my classmates past and present.

I have to admit, the initial run had me somewhat disappointed - I think I had thought it would have been more of a surprise for people. After all, I felt I did a pretty good job of allowing my geek side to dominate more and for my gay side to stay in the backseat for the most part. I wore over-sized shirts jeans that were a bit too loose to be flattering. I didn't care about brand names, hair products or celebrity news. I spent more time raving about the latest computer game or gadget rather than some hot guy or whatever. In fact, I was totally mum about sex despite already being in my second year of college. I was THAT careful.

My first coming out moment went something like this:
ME: Hey, I have something to tell you.
FRIEND: Oooh, does somebody have a girlfriend?
ME: Um, no...
FRIEND: Does somebody have a boyfriend? *laughs*
ME: Well actually...yeah.
*pause*
FRIEND: Oh my god! I'm so happy for you!

Then he dragged me to come out to a few other people that we were both close to. What can I say - he's my surrogate mother in the queer world and I love him because of that. And for these first few friends, they just took the news with a smile, a knowing look and then going straight into the "well, we kind of figured" or the "why only now?"

So you'd think that I would have been better prepared for the eventual fallout later on.

Fast forward about week and it's after Valentine's Day. I had offered my boyfriend a Valentine's Day card but since he didn't have a bag, he asked me to hold onto it first. It was a rather gay card that had a lot of "I love you" and even the term "husband" involved. And so it remained in my school bag for the time being. On one Thursday after afternoon classes had been cancelled due to another rally (this was UP Diliman after all) as was practice I had used the opportunity to (1) pretend to still have classes and (2) sneak off for some quality time with the boyfriend. But as timing would have it, this was also a day when my (step)Dad decided to pick me up from school.

Fuck me.

So I had to scramble back to the campus while my Dad was already waiting in the car with my brother and had to quickly come up with some lame excuse about a group meeting extending too long amidst profuse apologies. We discussed things in the car but once we got home the matter wasn't brought up again. Coast clear, right?

Stupid assumption. Very, very stupid assumption.

Fast forward again to 02:00am and I awake to my Dad waking me up saying we had to talk. Yeah, definite uh-oh moment. Then I go to my parents' room and Mom is already home from work, sitting on the bed. I sit on the floor directly at her feet, leaning against the cabinets.

The conversation started somewhere along these lines:

MOM: You know why you're here, right?
ME: I know, I was late from school,
MOM: ...so who's ? Is he your boyfriend?

In that near-infinite amount of time between her question and my answer, I went through thousands of scenarios in my head. I had gotten through my double life as a gay man / good son by sticking to the truth as much as possible in order to keep the bigger, more destructive lies safely away. It's like how a ship with compartments can stay afloat by giving up flooded compartments to the sea. In this case, I was visualizing the Titanic getting ripped up by the iceberg. There was no saving this ship today.

And so I answered, "Yes."

Things sort of went downhill from there. Apparently they had searched my things and had found the card. There was the crying and the shouting. There was a lot of hurt and anguish to go around for all sides. Heck, even my biological father was called over in the middle of the night. My "coming out" ended with my mobile phone confiscated, the landline disconnected and the front gate chained closed along with big signs telling me not to attempt to leave. I was under house arrest for the time being and I was going to file an LOA from school despite the semester almost being over. I had gone from cloud nine to the bottom of the barrel in the span of a week.

As much as my coming out experience was rather traumatic for me, I have to admit it was quite a relief. I no longer had to think about the burden of watching my behavior, setting up elaborate alibis or even just the pain of lying to people I loved and cherished. Sure, I couldn't leave the house for a significant period of time, but those months were a great time to sit back and reflect on things, appreciate what all this meant and really consider if my understanding of my sexual identity was right or not. In those months, I wondered if I had subconsciously wanted to get caught so that I could be over with all of it. The stress. The worrying. The second-guessing of every question. The secrecy. The lies. The hurt.

When I eventually left home to strike out a life on my own, I decided that I wouldn't stay in the closet for anyone anymore. Thus I lamely came out to my high school classmates over email. I did the same for my close friends from college and the online world. And I promised myself that I would never hide my sexual orientation from anyone ever again. I carried this principle with me when I first got a job - it was part of my introduction to my training class on day one that I was out and proud and that my boyfriend was in the next class. And it has always been part of my self-declarations in terms of my various writing and blogging projects ever since.

It hasn't been easy of course. It took me a good number of years to repair my relationship with my family, which will never be the same. I still bump into those people in the corporate world who feel my homosexuality may be more of liability than an asset. And I know I put myself at risk from any number of hate crimes, stereotyping or unfair treatment as part of a minority group. But I don't regret the choices I've made that brought me to this point.

A few lessons from this whole coming out experience (at least for me):

> Your mother will always know. She may be in denial about it, but she probably knows.
> Never lie to your siblings - they're your strongest allies in the world and you'd be an idiot for ignoring that.
> Your friends will support you even after you come out. If they don't, they were probably never your friends to begin with.
> Coming out is not about bragging about or imposing your homosexuality on everyone - it's about truly being at peace with who you are and feeling confident enough in yourself to be proud about it.

Of course, the path from my house arrest to my current state of virtually-wedded bliss is probably a heck of a lot more interesting. But that's a story for another time or another blog.