Saturday, September 4, 2010

No way, Not yet. Yes! by Jay The Gardener

by Jay

(They say its better late than never. Haha. This is my contribution to the Theorgy blog which is about the topic "Coming Out")


If I were asked that question, I would have answered it differently on different occasions:

-No way!-

"Baka bakla ka ha?" was what he teasingly said.

"Ulol, no way pj!" was my stern reply.

PJ was my bestfriend in high school. Ours was a weird kind of friendship because we started out as mortal enemies but ended as best of friends. During high school, I was the king of our block during then, in fact, if there were somebody new in the neighborhood, he/she would have to befriend me before he can get into the circle. He was the new guy who came when we were in junior high. At first I really thought that he was "mahangin" (but later found out that I just hated the fact that I was not the first one that he talked to). He was a instant hit with everybody (except me) because he was super cute, knows how to dance and very very charismatic with girls.

Since I thought that he was a threat, I ordered my friends not to befriend him (parang young mafia) to the point of plotting to beat him up. I only changed my plans when one time he suddenly came up to me and asked if we could go home together. From that day on, we grew a lot more closer to each other. We shared stories, we shared laughters and we shared secrets. And yes, we even shared "ejaculation" sessions together. After a month, we grew very close that he would sometimes sleep over at my place and he was already an accepted part of my family.

Since PJ came from a broken family, he was an easy prey. He was a lonely sheep while I was the willing shepherd, he was a lost soul and I was the light at the end of the tunnel., he was often sad and I was his shoulder to cry on. During his sleep-over, nobody in the house knew that we would hug each other tightly and would sleep in each others arms in the dark. He like me to comb his hair with my hands while he goes to sleep and I would like him to softly scratch my back in return. We would do all these things yet nobody wants to talk about it. For him, it was just showing how much we care for each other but for me, it was already my show of love and affection.

One time, I tried to crossed the line. When we were tickling each other, I suddenly pressed my face into his, our lips slightly touching each other. I was surprised i did it but he was even more surprised that something like it happened. In the middle of the night there was silence, the he spoke up:

"Hahaha. Oi kiniss mo ako ha. Yucks! Baka bakla ka ha. Sabihin mo na. Hahaha"

It was my time to be silent. I was deeply contemplating on what to say. Shall I tell him but lose him in return or just keep quiet and regret never to have told him what I feel. My heart was beating very fast at that time. Then I decided...

"Haha. Ulol PJ! No way pare! "

I guess it was the easiest way out.

- Not Yet! -

"When are you ready to do this?" He asked me looking deep into my eyes.

"I don't know" I answered and looked away from him.

We met online on the PlanetRomeo site. My account was direct to the point on who I want to meet and what are the things that I don't like...the things that caught his attention while browsing through hundreds of online users. He is AM and around five years younger than me. At first really thought that we would not hit it off because of the age difference plus the status. I was working as a manager then and he was still a student. Since I never had any outlet from work, I indulge myself in texting with friends (and flirts) from chatrooms and social networking sites. At first he was no exception, I would answer his casual "good mornings" and " how are you's". But after a month, he was the only one remaining among dozens of guys. That is when I decided to focus more on him.

We did not meet or even asked a picture of each other, again, this is one of the many things that my adventurous mind breeds. I told him that i want to know the person rather than the face. And he agreed. We wont on to be exclusive for two months and in those two months I admit that I have grown closer to him. He was the first guy whom I really professed my love. Because of this he was my very first boyfriend.

On the third month we met and to our surprise, we have even grown closer when we met. We were very pleased with the way we look. This was indeed the relationship that I really wanted. Smooth sailing, both parties are in love and of was with another man. We have shared a lot with each other. From aspirations, problems and plans for the future. I was very very in love. But like every relationship, it has its ups and downs. The usual cause of our fights would be his giving so much effort of keeping our relationship private to the point of being so insensitive. It has never been my plan to tell the world that we have a relationship much more be so close to him in public. I am also not that kind of guy. In fact I am discreet...very very discreet. But I am sensitive enough to make sure that I balance things.

One time we had a huge fight because he was mad at me for making a simple comment at his Facebook account. The comment was nothing but "haha. you're funny" but he was paranoid and started saying things to me. This fight went on for days because he would not hear my side. This time, I was also getting tired of it all. We met and decided to talk things over hoping to patch things up. In the middle of our convesation, he asked.

"Okay, if you really want to announce to the whole world that we are an item, I am game! When are you ready to do this?" he asked me looking deep into my eyes. I did not see sincerity but rather mockery.

"I don't know. Not yet" I replied looking away from him.

I answered "Not yet" not because I am not ready but because I realized that he was not worth it...not worth of me going out!

The next day we broke sadly up.


I really do not think that the time would come that I will say this word if I would be asked if I am ready to go out. Not until...

I will no longer be afraid to hurt my parents, friends and family.

I will be ready to face the mockery of the people around me.

And I can find the real person worthy of the decision.

That I can really say,

Yes! I am gay and I am proud of it!"

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