I contemplated on whether I should write this or not. It has only been a few days since I came out to some of the most important people in my life. Among all of them, there is one story I would like to share. Cliche as it seems, it is how I came out to my Mom. This post is quite long so bear with me. Nobela to.
And here is how the story goes...
More than a week ago, I changed my Facebook status from 'single' to 'in a relationship'. It was something that caused quite a stir among my friends and family. Apparently, me being in a relationship is such a huge deal for them. A lot of people commented, reacted, asked. One of them was my Mom.
"Who's your girlfriend?", she asked me over the phone.
"Oh that? It's nothing don't mind that", I answered.
She noticed that I didn't want to talk about it so she dropped the topic. A few days after that, she came to Manila. A few hours after she arrived, she was in my room playing Farmville. I was watching TV. She asked me again,
"Who is your girlfriend?"
"No one, don't take that seriously", I answered.
"Why don't you wanna tell me? Is she ugly? Is she stupid? Is she poor? What?"
"No its not that."
"Tell me. I thought we were close, you could tell me anything."
"Mom...its...complicated", I answered with a sigh.
"Try me", she insited.
"No", I firmly said.
"Why? Are you worried I will get mad? Are you worried about something? I don't have hypertension or anything you know", she said trying to feign humor.
"You might have if I tell you the story."
"Just tell me c'mon.", she said without looking at me, being too engrossed with Farmville.
I fell silent and I just looked at her while she was harvesting her crops. I wanted to tell her. I could feel my heart beating so fast, it felt like a thousand drums were pounding on my chest. I took a deep breath.
"It's now or never", I told myself.
I pulled my mom close to me and hugged her really tight. I lay my head on her shoulder and I was stopping myself from crying.
"What is it anak? What's wrong?", she asked.
I didn't respond.
"Anak you can tell me anything. Did you do something wrong? Is something bothering you?"
I started crying silent tears.
"Anak I am your Mom. I only want you to be happy and I will understand you for whatever it is you have done", she said reassuringly.
"Mom I don't know how to tell you this...I don't know how or where to start so I'll just say it out right", I suddenly said.
She nodded.
"Mom...I don't have a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend", I said and at that moment I broke down in tears.
My mom without wasting a second hugged me and said that she already knew.
She explained it to me. She already knew. Apparently even as a child, she wished that I would be gay because a gay son would never leave her and would put her above everything else. She said that it was a part of her that was too selfish to share me with another woman.
My Mom said that she was raised by my grandpa who was not her biological father but was gay. She said that because of him, she saw that gay men can be more decent than straight men and that there was nothing wrong with being gay specially in this day and age. She added that she saw the life my grandpa led, how blessed and happy he was because he was gay.
It made me feel so much better.
"Im sorry Momma", I said, voice a bit cracking.
"There is nothing to be sorry about. When you told me, did I look surprised? Did I look shocked?", she asked, "I already knew it anak and I know that it is something very private and very hard for you to say so all I've been waiting for is for you to tell me. I did not want to be presumptuous, I did not want to catch you off guard. I wanted you to tell me when you were ready."
I could not stop crying at that point. Was I dreaming? Was all of this real? Was my Mom actually telling me these things?
"I'm happy that you told me the truth. I am relieved. Just because you are gay, it does not mean that I will love you any less. I love you more because you told me the truth and I now how hard it is to admit something like this. I know what a relief it is because you've been harboring this secret inside you for a long time."
Every time my Mom talked, every word she said, all I did was look at her in the eyes. I did not see anger. I did not see disappointment. I did not see remorse. I only saw relief.
The conversation became lighter eventually. My mom said that she does not see me marrying a girl and that if that day would come, she wont break down and stop the wedding because she won't be able to accept that.
"When I saw that you changed your FB status, the first thing that came to my mind was 'poor girl' because I did not know it was a guy. But now that I know, I'm much more relieved. I mean, if it was a girl and she loves you then it's her problem because I know that you are gay, and besides, ako lang ang babae sa buhay mo no!", she said.
I laughed.
My mom assured me that nothing would change. She gave me advice on how to handle relationships and all that. She also said that I should know that there would be criticisms, there would be reactions and that I should be ready for that. I told her I already was.
She asked me about my boyfriend and that if he was my first.
"He's not. You've already met two of my ex-boyfriends actually and they've also been to the house", I said.
She knew exactly who I was talking about and for their sake, I won't mention their names here.
We had a short conversation about my exes and I told her why we broke up. She knew that I dont talk to them anymore but the details we're always shady. Now, everything made more sense to her.
"So tell me about your boyfriend. What does he do? How old is he? Is he still studying?"
"He's 23, he's working and he's a cum laude. He's smart, he's good looking and he loves me a lot", I replied.
"Does he have a Facebook account? What is it? Show me his picture", my mom demanded.
"Why?"
"So I'd know what he looks like and I'll see kung may malalait ako sa kanya", she said laughing.
I thought for a second and I opened his picture which was saved on my desktop.
"Ooohhhh he's cute. Disente manamit. Good ah. At least marunong kang pumili", she suddenly blurted out.
I couldn't help but laugh out loud.
She said that she's happy that I'm happy and that she's glad I found someone but she lay down some ground rules.
Bawal ang live-in.
Conduct yourself properly in public.
And...if you break up...move on. Let go. What doesnt destroy you will make you stronger. You should know that.
"Malamang", I told myself. I just nodded.
"Tama na nga to, I'm not done harvesting yet", she suddenly said.
"Ma, I wonder what will Papa and his relatives say when they find out?", I asked innocently.
She burst out into laughter.
"Oh yeahhh", she said, "Well anyway, it's not like they've done anything for you, so they have no right to react".
It's been days since we had this conversation. Nothing has changed. We've actually become closer. The only difference is that I'm happier than I've ever been. I've already told most of my close friends, and all of them accepted me with open arms.
Coming out is hard. Coming out is scary, its terrifying, it downright nerve wracking. But I am happy and thankful that my friends and my mom have made it so easy for me. This is not what I expected, not at all. So for everyone out there who's afraid to come out, I'm not forcing you to come out, but let me tell you that when you do, it is at that moment when you realize who your true friends are and how much your family loves you.
Now I can sleep soundly at night. Now it no longer bothers me. Now I have everything I could ever want and more.
Now I am out of Narnia...and it feels so much better...
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