I dont even know what a 'bakla' was. As a kid, I used to play Jackstone and its Chinese version and was very good at it challenging my cousins Geraldine and Laura.
While my brothers and boy cousins play Jolens, I chose to play Chinese Garter with all the girl neighbors. I played Piko rather than making a toy truck out of milk cans. And I chose carrying a basket like going to the market over shooting a basket with a heavy orange ball. But, was it really a choice? I thought I was just being me and do things I enjoy.
As I get a little bit older, the teasing begins. I dont understand why people in the neighborhood were picking on me. Those people I dont even know. I remember asking my mom one night of why do they do that."Because you are different" she replied. I still didn't understand.
One afternoon, everybody in the clan was in our compound for a gathering. My uncle from Cebu came to visit us. He offered to bring all the boys to watch the movie, King Kong. I was so excited and so ready to go and felt sorry for Geraldine and Laura who cannot come. Until..... that Uncle told me that I'm not coming. "You're not a boy, are you?"
With tears, I ran looking for my mom crying out, "Im a boy!" and told her of what happened. She got angry. Towing me to see that intolerant Uncle but to no avail, he and the boys have already left. Mom tried to pacify me with a promise of us watching King Kong the next day but it didnt help my wailing. Cousins Geraldine and Laura grabbed my hand and led me to one corner. Then, right there at that moment, I understood what was really going on.
That was my first ever rejection as being gay. I so hated that moment that it led me to the thought that being 'different' is not a good thing. I tried not to be 'different' from then on but for some reasons I still cannot hide it. More teasing. More Rejections as i grow older. I tried more to stop it by denying what I feel, and not showing to other people who I am inside. I learned the art of pretending and like playing Jackstones, I was good at it.
Because of my bad childhood experiences as a Power Puff Girl, I turned out to become Spidey, hiding my true identity with an awkward mask. I opted coming out only to the members of The League of Extraordinary Very Gentle-Men who I think can understand me. It started with my very good friend, Plastic Man (Mama O) when we were in College. He kept on asking me who is this new guy friend I am always with. I told him, "He's my boyfriend". Those were my first ever coming-out words. From Plastic Man to Batman, my coming out was spilled to everyone in the group, who themselves shared their own stories too. I chose them because they are like me. People who are different, like my Mom's description of me when I was a child.
Today, despite of his different kinda powers, Spidey is still scared and wounded deep inside. Like his friend's Superman's Kryptonite, close-minded people making monkey out of him will cause him pain and weakness. So he chooses to continue to hide from the majority, including his own Family (whom he thinks doesn't need to know for they knew already).
Not a good defense, but the great Freud will comprehend. And yes, he still believes that the son will come out..... tomorrow!
No comments:
Post a Comment