I guess I’m not the first one to do this but I believe it’s my time to share my own story, my own “coming out” story. I’m actually at work right now doing this because in the past few days, my boss might’ve forgotten to give me and my teammates directives. I fear disturbing her because she seems too busy to be bugged. Well anyway, let’s start the story.
Like other gay guys, I am not totally out of the closet. My friends, especially the close and the closest guys are the only ones who know about it. They even told me that they already knew about my orientation long before I outed myself to them. Some of my workmates don’t even know about me being gay not until I burst out and say “uy, may pogi oh!” in between meals. My family is mum about it but I’m pretty sure they already know. Perhaps it’s just something that needs not to be discussed anymore, something that would already be there “by default”.
I was in first year college then when I started feeling curious about the way I feel. Yes, when I was in High School, I used to hook up with girls and most of them even find me very gentleman-ish, very different from the kind of boys we had in our school. One day I went to this internet café (I still couldn’t afford to have my own PC) to check my friendster account. I checked the list of the people who recently viewed me then I noticed this guy I’m not familiar with. I still couldn’t tell if he’s pogi or not because I still didn’t have that kind of radar before. Kumbaga, choppy pa ang signal ng aking gaydar. I tried to open his profile and I saw this banner. It was G4M’s banner. Salarin talaga tong G4M na toh. Since I already had this feeling of being curious about the way I feel towards the same sex, out of curiosity, I enlisted myself in the said social networking site for gay guys. Only then I realized I wasn’t alone. There are a lot of other guys there who would want to be with another guy. All along I thought I was alone, that my feelings weren’t normal. At times I’d even think perhaps what I was feeling is something a normal guy would go through in this certain stage of life. After registering, I didn’t know how to navigate the website that much yet although it wasn’t really hard to learn to do so. Then I started posting pictures of me (when I still payat and gusgusin back then) and I continued checking out the site. After refreshing the page, I was surprised by this alert I got . Then I realized somebody sent me a message.
“Atenista?” the message wrote.
“How did you know?” I surprisingly replied. I thought he knew me by face.
“Uniform mo. By the way, I’m ****”
Ambobo ko talaga. I forgot I was wearing my uniform in that profile picture I posted. So I opened his profile and checked his pictures. I found him good-looking because he look a lot like that guy who always passes by our classroom in one of our classes. We got to knowing each other then we exchanged digits and started communicating frequently. Time came when we decided to meet up. Good thing it was the enrollment period at school so I had a reason to go out of the house without my mom interrogating me too much. When I met him, he didn’t look a lot like what I expected but he was cool enough for me to say “he’s fine”. Our meet ups became more frequent after that episode. Only then did I realize I was slowly falling for him. My classmates started noticing my blooming aura. They said I looked happier than before and that something looked different in me. Then I told them I was in love. They felt kilig and all yet they felt kinda shocked when I told them I was in love with a guy.
The love story didn’t turn out to be good. I experienced my first major heartache with my first homo love. It left me crippled for so long that it kept me from opening myself up to other guys who were willing to help me stand up again. Since I didn’t have that much gay friends, couldn’t find somebody I could confide to who would understand what I was going through. It took my almost 2 years before I tried opening the gates of my golden heart again. I continued living life and I started opening up more to my friends about my renewed lifestyle. Like I said, most of them told me they already knew that I was gay long before I told them about my preference. They told me that, yes, I was very straight-acting yet they could tell sby some of the gestures and expressions I make which made them doubt me. As I was trying to make myself used to this "life", it became somewhat a challenge for me to open up myself to people I recently meet. It would take me time before I come out because I don’t want people to start isolating themselves from me after knowing about my orientation.
Now that I’m all grown up, yes, I still have those kinds of heartaches, something similar to the time I first fell in love with a guy. I learned to flirt and be flirted, I learned how to be numb if needed. I also started getting used to opening up to people. Some of the girls even tell me “Nung nakilala kita, crush pa naman sana kita. Kaso bading ka pala” which does flatter me to a certain extent. Some don’t even have the slightest freakin’ idea until I say something that would shock them. I could remember my first coming out statement months back after my promotion and transfer to a different department:
Girl: Uy, they say ang pogi mo daw.
Robert: correction, maganda toh, MAGANDA!
That left her in awe.
I’ve grown-up to be that butterfly (so gay!!) that I didn’t really expect to be. I’ve grown from being naïve to being equipped. Although not yet fully, but enough to keep me strong. I still like being the guy that I am because everyone loves me for who and what I am. My straight guy friends even like me more now that I’m very open about being who I am. Most of those guys even love talking to me especially in drinking session because they find me more “sensible” compared to other guys. I get along well with girls because I have a taste for music, fashion and boys which is very usual for somebody like me. I also get along well with boys because I have this fascination for video games, action movies, guns, and other guy stuff. That’s why one of my friends quoted me as a “not-so typical gay guy”. Hence, Robert, your not-so typical gay guy has been born.
xoxo
Much Love
waaah!! I really appreciate it kahit super late nako nagpass! woohoo!! congrats2 :)
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