In reference to my previous post, here I am talking about why I came out(well, sort of) to the world! By coming out I mean, letting other people know that I tend to like species w/ the same sexual characteristics as I am. So here's the story...
Some years ago, when I was in grade 10, I pretty much know that I dont really care about attraction to other people. I have crushes and stuff but it all ends there. It never came to me to really get into a relationship with somebody else. Well, by the age of 15 I know that I am attracted to guys. I knew it since I was younger but I did not let my parents know until I was 15. Not that they couldn't read the way I feel but of course, they would not want to assume that one of their 3 sons happen to be gay, to make it more exciting, the eldest. I wrote them a letter saying everything, as in EVERYTHING that I feel and needed to tell them. I told them I was a bisexual and that I am very open to sex with pretty much, everybody. Yes, I am one of those Bi now, gay later scheme. Fast forward up to this date. My parents still thinks that I am attracted to the same sex but they try and convince THEMSELVES that what I am going through is just a phase. Technically, they are the only ones in my family who knows who I really am and that's all that matters. So I can basically say that I am out, comfortable with my own color but what I hate is being limited. By that I mean, I have to be careful to who I sleep with because I dont really wanted to disappoint my parents. :(
So why do I choose to convince my parents that there is still a possibility of me going back to the conformity of a male-female gender society? It's not as simple as because I can, but I'd love to elaborate it for you using 3 sociological paradigms.
Starting with,
THE STRUCTURAL-FUNCTIONALISM THEORY.
I haven't totally came out of the closet by bringing home guys and introducing them to my parents because it works for me! I dont need to explain anything to my family. I am also keeping my brothers away from the stigma that they could experience in school or from the outside world. I am also preventing my parents from any heart-ache for I know that it would disappoint them if they found out that their eldest is gay. Them knowing that I am bisexual and there is some percent chance that I will soon follow what they wanted me to be gives me less burden and guilt. Keeping my self limited also works for it gives me the barrier from acting effeminate, for as we all know, it's just practical for a gay person to act like a straight guy to find somebody that could reciprocate what they can give. I imagine if my parents would accept who I am, GOD forbid I will be out of control. In a patriarchial society, whether in getting a job or walking down the street,
people would be judgemental, and being an out of control gay guy would just attract controversy and it wouldn't really let you get into the circle. In other words, you cannot put "being gay" in your resume. So "at least" trying to conform with the norms will actually later on, get me into a successful position where I wanted to be. Im not saying that successful "out of control" gay guys doesnt exist, well, not in my world at least.
SOCIAL-CONFLICT THEORY
Pretty much straight to the point. I live in a home where the father is the primary guardian who practices conservative values. In the 20th century, inequality is such a common thing. But this remains taboo as we all breathe the air of a patriarchial society. It is changing a little bit but it seems that raising children based on tradition will always linger around our walls. I did not fully come out of the closet because I feel like I will be rejected away from my family. I did not want that to happen that's why I chose to remain peeping inside the closet. Sad it may seem but you know what, people should learn to accept it because as long as we patronize capitalism, this thought will stay. There will be people deprived of being able to be who they are and what they wanted to be. I guess this patriarchial thing is only a factor because as for me, it always comes up to personal choice.
SYMBOLIC INTERACTIONISM
Personal choice. Although there are factors that affects my life, it all comes down to personal choice. PLEASE DONT GIVE ME THE BIOLOGICAL BULLSHIT because we basically dont have a hormone that tells us who we sleep with. Everything is sociological and personal. Anyways, as for me, I actually think that ever since I was a child, i percieve the world as equal and just. I mean, whenever I color human species, I color black people really dark brown and I dont color them black, and white people, I color them white and flesh and not just live it uncolored reflecting my white paper's hue. I was always the renegade in school. Although filled with non-sense as a highschool student, I was filled with drama and rebellion. They cant contain me, I have to make a difference and be different. Personal choice. Staying inside the closet while enjoying some priveleges is totally my fault, not anybody else' but it's totally mine. I chose this therefore, I have to deal with it.
IN CONCLUSION,
19 years of existence, my family is still intact, strong and possibly unbreakable, I got a tattoo just recently and my mom and dad did say some things about it but they did not really bother to tell me what I needed to do. Im going to be like this forever for as I've said, it definitely works for me. I'm single as of this moment, im not talking to anybody nor seeing someone but I feel contented because although not a lot of people knows that Im a gay person and im single, my family still got my back no matter what I do. And I love it. :)
Oh btw, here's my tattoo
:)
Much Love.
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