[Technical Musings] Stopping Hate Begins With Us by Rocky

Lesbian & Gay Pride (185) - 28Jun08, Paris (France) by philippe leroyer via Flickr.

It's the second ever theorgy blogging day with the theme of "Discrinate, Not. Given the last theory was back in September and was about coming out, it's about time for another of these. I'm all for supporting the local LGBT blogosphere, or whatever you want to call it.

Discrimination - tricky topic when you get down to it. It's always easy to claim that someone is discriminating against you, but how often do you realize you're discriminating yourself? It's that nasty flip to the situation that we I feel we need to bring to the table as part of this theorgy. 

Not bad, eh?

In this context, there are two general categories for discrimination - the external and the internal, for lack of better terminology. Ugh, I'm sounding so textbook right now, I apologize.

External Discrimination, at least from my perspective, refers to those people outside of LGBT circles who espouse messages of hate of exclusion against queers around the world. So you know who I'm talking about in this regard - Republicans, the Roman Catholic Church, and all those other cool cats we love to hate. You're probably going to see a large number of them staging a protest against the LGBT Pride March on December 4.

But that's not what I really want to talk about here.



Lesbian & Gay Pride (172) - 28Jun08, Paris (France) by philippe leroyer via Flickr.

Internal Discrimination is what I feel to be far worse than anything those bigots out there can throw at us. It's when members of the community get into the same acts of discrimination we fight against not just against others but against our fellow homosexuals. And yes, we all know this happens a lot. And you'd think that we as an oppressed minority would learn to be more accepting and understanding, in order to not further the injustice of discrimination we experience. But we don't - the sad realities of our human limitations.

It starts small, if we were to trace the origins of this sad behavior. A good example would be how LGBT personal ads that set all these requirements against only wantingstraight-acting guys, muscular guys, or whatever. Sure, we're entitled to be picky and we can chose to get together with guys of a certain type, if that's really your thing. I can't guarantee you'll find love that way since the physical attributes usually don't mean anything about who they are as people. The irony is that the guys who want straight-acting guys tend to be amazingly effeminate themselves, but I digress.

However when this kind of thinking creeps into general life, then it becomes very wrong. Case in point - a acquaintance of ours commented that he felt it was so wrong to have such "freaks" representing the community at the Pride March, which was one of the most horrid things I had ever heard. Instead of talking about him wanting to participate and represent the best of the community, he choses to stay at home and complain that he somehow doesn't approve of his fellow LGBT brothers and sisters.

And it doesn't end there - there are the kind of gay guys who don't want to associate with the overly flamboyant or effeminate since they're still in the closet but to the point that it's already offensive and hurtful. Just because you hang out with gay people doesn't make you gay - I think the world has figured this out. And thus hanging out with fellow queers will not out you! The only thing that really outs you is your own behavior, which tends to be rather flamboyant in its own right.

Or there are those that claim that you're "not gay enough". The ones that feel if you don't speak in fluent swardspeak or don't totally love Mariah or whichever female diva you're still holding on to, then you don't "deserve" to be gay. What's up with that?

The point is, the LGBT community is amazingly diverse and colorful. I'm not saying you need to be able to fall in love with just about anyone else. I'm not even saying you need to be friends with everyone else. But you do need to learn to respect each person for his or her uniqueness. You need to see the wonders and beauty in what makes each of us unique and amazing and special and fabulous and all that jazz. You can't end hate if you yourself practice it and support it and let it propagate. Then what?

So get off your high horse and learn to see the infinite wonders that make up the LGBT nation. Stop the hate.


(Check Rocky here.)

[Technicolor Musings] Getting Dragged Out Of The Closet by Rocky

by Rocky

I normally save my Technicolor Musings posts for Sundays, but today marks the first theorgy blogging event. It seems theorgy is meant as an opportunity for local pink bloggers to write about a particular topic, similar to Blog Action Day and other such organized blogging events around the web.


And yes, your Geeky Guide is very much gay - and highly proudly so. And the topic for this first theorgy is all about coming out, which ironically is something I didn't quite officially do - at least not by choice. That makes it a bit more interesting and I've always been one to support the local LGBT blogging community.

So pull up a comfy seat, and put on some good mood music - this may take a while, should you be interested to hear the tale..

It was February 2003 when I was riding on cloud nine. My partner at the time and I were on a high after getting over what could have been a major deal-breaker in our budding relationship. But that was past and now I was happy as could be and I actually felt like it was about time for me to start telling people that I was close to about the truth. I wanted to be able to share my happiness with those people I valued, despite my Herculean efforts in the past to keep this side of my life secret from my classmates past and present.

I have to admit, the initial run had me somewhat disappointed - I think I had thought it would have been more of a surprise for people. After all, I felt I did a pretty good job of allowing my geek side to dominate more and for my gay side to stay in the backseat for the most part. I wore over-sized shirts jeans that were a bit too loose to be flattering. I didn't care about brand names, hair products or celebrity news. I spent more time raving about the latest computer game or gadget rather than some hot guy or whatever. In fact, I was totally mum about sex despite already being in my second year of college. I was THAT careful.

My first coming out moment went something like this:
ME: Hey, I have something to tell you.
FRIEND: Oooh, does somebody have a girlfriend?
ME: Um, no...
FRIEND: Does somebody have a boyfriend? *laughs*
ME: Well actually...yeah.
*pause*
FRIEND: Oh my god! I'm so happy for you!

Then he dragged me to come out to a few other people that we were both close to. What can I say - he's my surrogate mother in the queer world and I love him because of that. And for these first few friends, they just took the news with a smile, a knowing look and then going straight into the "well, we kind of figured" or the "why only now?"

So you'd think that I would have been better prepared for the eventual fallout later on.

Fast forward about week and it's after Valentine's Day. I had offered my boyfriend a Valentine's Day card but since he didn't have a bag, he asked me to hold onto it first. It was a rather gay card that had a lot of "I love you" and even the term "husband" involved. And so it remained in my school bag for the time being. On one Thursday after afternoon classes had been cancelled due to another rally (this was UP Diliman after all) as was practice I had used the opportunity to (1) pretend to still have classes and (2) sneak off for some quality time with the boyfriend. But as timing would have it, this was also a day when my (step)Dad decided to pick me up from school.

Fuck me.

So I had to scramble back to the campus while my Dad was already waiting in the car with my brother and had to quickly come up with some lame excuse about a group meeting extending too long amidst profuse apologies. We discussed things in the car but once we got home the matter wasn't brought up again. Coast clear, right?

Stupid assumption. Very, very stupid assumption.

Fast forward again to 02:00am and I awake to my Dad waking me up saying we had to talk. Yeah, definite uh-oh moment. Then I go to my parents' room and Mom is already home from work, sitting on the bed. I sit on the floor directly at her feet, leaning against the cabinets.

The conversation started somewhere along these lines:

MOM: You know why you're here, right?
ME: I know, I was late from school,
MOM: ...so who's ? Is he your boyfriend?

In that near-infinite amount of time between her question and my answer, I went through thousands of scenarios in my head. I had gotten through my double life as a gay man / good son by sticking to the truth as much as possible in order to keep the bigger, more destructive lies safely away. It's like how a ship with compartments can stay afloat by giving up flooded compartments to the sea. In this case, I was visualizing the Titanic getting ripped up by the iceberg. There was no saving this ship today.

And so I answered, "Yes."

Things sort of went downhill from there. Apparently they had searched my things and had found the card. There was the crying and the shouting. There was a lot of hurt and anguish to go around for all sides. Heck, even my biological father was called over in the middle of the night. My "coming out" ended with my mobile phone confiscated, the landline disconnected and the front gate chained closed along with big signs telling me not to attempt to leave. I was under house arrest for the time being and I was going to file an LOA from school despite the semester almost being over. I had gone from cloud nine to the bottom of the barrel in the span of a week.

As much as my coming out experience was rather traumatic for me, I have to admit it was quite a relief. I no longer had to think about the burden of watching my behavior, setting up elaborate alibis or even just the pain of lying to people I loved and cherished. Sure, I couldn't leave the house for a significant period of time, but those months were a great time to sit back and reflect on things, appreciate what all this meant and really consider if my understanding of my sexual identity was right or not. In those months, I wondered if I had subconsciously wanted to get caught so that I could be over with all of it. The stress. The worrying. The second-guessing of every question. The secrecy. The lies. The hurt.

When I eventually left home to strike out a life on my own, I decided that I wouldn't stay in the closet for anyone anymore. Thus I lamely came out to my high school classmates over email. I did the same for my close friends from college and the online world. And I promised myself that I would never hide my sexual orientation from anyone ever again. I carried this principle with me when I first got a job - it was part of my introduction to my training class on day one that I was out and proud and that my boyfriend was in the next class. And it has always been part of my self-declarations in terms of my various writing and blogging projects ever since.

It hasn't been easy of course. It took me a good number of years to repair my relationship with my family, which will never be the same. I still bump into those people in the corporate world who feel my homosexuality may be more of liability than an asset. And I know I put myself at risk from any number of hate crimes, stereotyping or unfair treatment as part of a minority group. But I don't regret the choices I've made that brought me to this point.

A few lessons from this whole coming out experience (at least for me):

> Your mother will always know. She may be in denial about it, but she probably knows.
> Never lie to your siblings - they're your strongest allies in the world and you'd be an idiot for ignoring that.
> Your friends will support you even after you come out. If they don't, they were probably never your friends to begin with.
> Coming out is not about bragging about or imposing your homosexuality on everyone - it's about truly being at peace with who you are and feeling confident enough in yourself to be proud about it.

Of course, the path from my house arrest to my current state of virtually-wedded bliss is probably a heck of a lot more interesting. But that's a story for another time or another blog.