Inside the Circle by Désolé Boy

The land is pink and they say people are gay -literally. Here is a slab of land inhabited by people with merry faces, jokes and parties painted in their faces. Dwellers are intuned on a provoking thumpa thumpa. Sometimes outsiders refer to the group as federacion. I prefer the term family.

The same outsiders would frown whenever they take a peek. Eyebrows would curl then hushed conversations will follow. Then comes the suppressed gigglings. The conclusion, an established verdict by an ingrate jury in their pretentious courts.

Discrimination. It happens from the moment a gay yougster started swaying his hips on family occassions stretching to that moment of his strugglle for the much coveted promotion in his homophobic corporate world. Home, neighborhood, church, school. workplaces and yes, even here in the blogosphere, discrimination happens, like it or not. But these so-called discriminations are brought about by people who are either too narrow minded to understand or even respect our differences or by those who simply does not have a mind at all. Mostly, they are people who are not gays. Straight people.

In this vast playground we are all in, we gays suffer from bullying from these people who disagree with our way of living. But what we sometimes don't realise is the truth which that we actually have other bullies we are silently defending ourselves on - the bullies of our own kind. Yes, I am talking about discrimination within our circle.

Paul, a classmate of mine calls Dave, a guy from the other class, "baklang kanal." Long before, the gay runways are filled with muscle shirts and tight polos and ass-hugging skinny pants, floral dresses, tube and skirts reign the catwalk. Dave came from the old era while Paul epitomizes the modern gay guy with his chiseled chests (a product oh his gym addiction), well styled short hair cut (a product of trips to expensive salons) and a bulging cock. Dave, to avoid the everyday picking of Paul forced himself to adapt on what the runways are dictating. He cut his hair short and threw away his eye liners and mascara. He gave away his blouses and replaced them with polo shirts. Dave is no more a crossdresser.

But did Paul's bullying stop?

Sadly, no.

To Paul, Dave is still the school's "baklang kanal." Dave is skinny and dark. Far from Paul who's a handsome mestizo. Dave still got his high-pitched vocals while Paul teases him in his baritone voice. Dave took a hardtime following the trends on clothes, Paul always gets the latest.

The unspoken hierarchy boils down to one thing -masculinity. If the macho gay guys are laughing at what they call "screaming faggots" or simply effiminates, the other side are actually doing the same. Branded as phaminta (other version includes phamintang durog at buo) etc., they said these type of gay guys are pretentious and hypocrites, or as the gay slang says: echoserang palaka.

Seriously, the teasing and the pin-pointing may sound silly and funny to begin with but the issue actually has a serious shade to it. Isn't it not enough that we are being discriminated from outside our circle to create such kind of caste system? If we are to yell for the world to hear and recognize our difference shouldn't we recognize that we gays too have differences?

Dave's story of discrimination is just one example and there are of course many forms of discrimination within our circle. Probably the most serious of them is the discrimination of some gay people against fellow gays but are HIV positive. There hasn't been any formal move to address the issue but talks about it are currently on the rise.

I mean, being gay is not a choice but being what kind of gay a person is is his/her own choice. Drag queens, bears, muscled, trannys, butch, femme, bisexuals and whatever other labels we coined or might coin, it doesn't matter. It is one's expression of his sexuality. It is one's way of living.

Of course the anti-discrimination battle from the outside is a bigger deal but to challenge such deep-rooted matter, we must first establish a solidified unity within us to win this. Discrimination within us drags us from progressing faster towards our goal of equality. Discrimination within us further aggravates the struggle to acceptance of one's sexuality. It is pointless. It should end.

In defense of the pink land, the dwellers must unite and break their rankings to be able to hold hands together to fight the bullies. We cannnot effectively mobilise a campaign against discrimination if we don't walk the talk first. The fight against discrimination, I believe, must begin within us. Only then that we can fight discrimination as one solid big happy family, that hopefully one day our dream of equality would be realised.

(Read Désolé Boy here.)

OUTing by Desole Boy

ni Desole Boy

wala.

wala akong ganung moment. walang eksenang dramahan with family and friends. wala yung mga cliche na coming out stories gaya ng marami sa mga PLUs. pero meron akong coming out story. at eto yung isheshare ko.

rewind tayo. 16 years ago, i am your everyday kid. school-bahay-laro, nagpapapalit-palit lang ng sequence, pero puro iyon lang ang laman ng itenerary ko. may isang pangyayari na siyang tumatak sa kasaysayan ng aking kabaklaan. ganito yun.

"The kids would normally play moro-moro after class. To those of you city raised kids, moro-moro is like agawang base. It's boys versus girls. The little blokes would chase giggling girls so they could grab them in their arms then eventually carry them to their own base as their own hostages. Boys, with their God given speed and briskness obviously always win. The girls, happy enough to be chased; enjoying every moment of capture.

Though he's glad his team won, a boy would sometimes ask: how cool will it be to be chased then eventually get captured?"

natapos ang 6 years sa elementary at pumasok si high school. eto na yung panahong kaliwa't kanan eh nagsyosyotaan ang mga malalalanding binata't dalaga. syempre sali ako. niligawan ko si popular pretty girl ng campus. naturally, i was turned down. panget ako nung high school eh.

tapos nun mabilis lang ang mga pangyayari. nagkaro'n ako ng mga barkada. sumali sa lahat ng clubs at competition. nagkaron ng panibagong mga crushes. pero yun nga lang, hindi na sila mga babae. type ko na ang mga campus heartthrob! bigla na lang na havs ako ng line na: "uyy ang gwapo ni Renmar no?"

yun na! sya na ang unang gay crush ko. walang nabigla. walang nagviolent reaction. keber lang ang madlang people. naki-kilig sa mga kalandian ko. nakiboso sa mga lalaking natipuhan ko. masaya ako. tanggap nila.

at simula nun, ang mga alam kong kulay ay hindi na lamang red, blue, green, at black and white. nalaman kong meron palang fuchsia at mountbatten pink. cerulean at palatine blue. yun na ang simula ng masalimuot, mapait ngunit masarap at makulay na buhay bakla.

masalimuot...

dahil ayaw kong makulong sa terminong bakla. in this world with its obsession with labels, PLUs are battered with so many prejudices and stereotypes dawdling our effort in climbing the hierarchy of our unspoken "caste system" as we aim in standing side by side with them heteros.

fresh from my college days, trying my luck to land on my dream job in the country's leading network, i was asked: are you guy? in which i politely replied: i suppose that question is relevant with my job? then i added: kung para sa 'yo ang mga nagkakagusto sa kapwa lalaki ay bakla, bakla nga ako. kung para sa 'yo ang mahilig sa mga show-tunes at haute couture fashion shows eh bakla, bakla nga ako. pero dahil ang mga pinakamahahalagang tao sa buhay ko, ang aking pamilya, kailan ma'y hindi nagtanong at hindi ako inobligang magpaliwanag tungkol sa preference ko, i don't think i have the very obligation of answering that question. thank you. [haha..pang ms. universe lang ba?]

mapait...

dahil ang umibig sa kaparehong kasarian ay hindi daw tama. hindi tanggap ng lipunang nagdidikta ng tama at mali. mapait dahil maraming tao ang sarado ang isip. patuloy na itinatanggi ang katotohanang sa simula pa'y bumubulag na sa bawat isa. mapait dahil sa hindi matapos tapos na tunggalian. sa patuloy na pagsalag.

masarap at makulay...

dahil sa labang ito, kasama mo ang mga taong tinagurian ngang "malalamya at abnormal" ngunit siya namang pinakamatatapang at malalakas na taong pwede mong makilala.

coming out is a journey. hindi siya natatapos sa mga salitang "oo, bakla ako." o sa kabilang dako "oo, tomboy ako." it is a continuous struggle, a continuous battle for the truth.

sa istorya kong ito, isa ang gusto kong ipabatid. na ang pinakaimportanteng coming out ay ang pag-come out mo sa sarili mo. madadaya mo ang lahat, magagawa mong magpanggap sa lipunang taas kilay na nagaabang sa bawat kilos at pananalita mo, pero hindi sa sarili mong kilala ang bawat hinga at pag-utot mo. sa sarili mong kabisado ang abwat kumpas at indayog ng iyong katawan. dahil sa huli, talikuran ka ma't di unawain ng lahat, nandon ang sarili mong batid ang katotohanan ng iyong pagkatao. nagmamahal...

may walang katapusang pag-unawa.